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This silence feels familiar. I despise the deafening, familiar sounds of silence. They terrify me. I suppose the silence strangles me. Strangled, alone, screaming.
People who know me, know this about me. They know how much I hate being ignored. They know that when they don’t return my calls or my emails my mind riles in negative and catastrophic scenarios. People who actually like me don’t want to do that to me. It’s the depression. It turns the pain of being ignored up to unmanageable levels.
Of course, there aren’t many people left who actually like me. Or at the very least, they don’t treat me like they do. I don’t know what it takes to be treated with care and respect. Most people just don’t treat me that way. (And yes, there are exceptions.)
To lose another person I love. To lose another person I thought loved me. Not only does it prove to me that no one really does love me, but it also proves that no one ever will. That I can never trust that anyone actually does. Even the people who say they do, can watch me slip, screaming into the worst deadly mire without even blinking.
And here’s the question I leave to you: how many emails from a suicidal girl would you ignore? Even if you didn’t like her. I mean, really.
(Upon pushing the publish button I actually did receive a 1-word email. Perhaps I’m not being ignored, I’m simply immensely unimportant. Sort of not news.)
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
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not until recently did I realize that the suicide hotline takes calls from anyone even if they are not suicidal. I found this very useful the other day because I was really having anxiety and needed to speak to someone- anyone -and the people I might have been able to call were all asleep so I was so fortunate to get some caring stranger on the phone…it was invaluable
Anon,
While I appreciate your skill set which seems to include being very nasty and abusive and completely missing the point, your input will no longer be required here.
Well, I suppose that's something.
> They know how much I hate being ignored.
I used to believe it worst to be ignored. Ignorance is bad enough, "But worst of all to be boring."
Take some solace knowing you're not completely boring. Sometimes. Windy, but not completely boring.
I'll ping you on Facebook. :)
I often feel the same way. The sense of urgency for a response from someone….anyone. I have been known to talk to myself (I don't answer myself) from time to time just because the things that are in my brain must come out. If you need an ear find me here http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=102983566406602&ref=ts