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Recently a friend of mine tried to make a change – she tried to stop smoking. Unfortunately, that attempt only lasted a few days.
Many people, of course, have been in that situation. Many people have tried to make a change and have found themselves less than completely successful. But what I told my friend is that she didn’t fail, she simply hadn’t succeeded – yet.
And so, I would consider her attempt a type of success. I would consider it an intention of success. I would consider it an approximation of success. I would consider it to be a step forward that ultimately will lead to success.
This brings in mind a parable that was told in my mindfulness meditation class. It went something like this:
There was a man going to work. He stepped off his front step and fell in to a hole. The man was very surprised as there had been no hole there the previous day. He got dirt on his knees and became annoyed on his way to work.
The next day, the man went out his front door to go to work and fell into the hole. He became even more annoyed, cursing the hole and went to work upset that he had fallen two days in a row.
The third day the man got up and he thought to himself, “I’m not going to fall into the hole today.” Then he got dressed, ate breakfast, went out his front door and fell into the hole. Of course, the man was very upset after having told himself he wasn’t going to fall into the hole.
The following day the man promised himself he wouldn’t fall into the hole. He thought to himself all morning, “I will not fall into the hole.” Through breakfast, shaving and opening the front door, he told himself he would not fall into the hole. And sure enough, this day, he walked around the hole.
The following day, not thinking about it, the man again fell into the hole.
The point of the parable is that change is very hard and we tend to fail to meet our goal over and over before we succeed. We also tend to succeed and then fail, then fail, then fail, then succeed, then fail again. Change is not a linear event. Change is circular. One step forward, two steps back.
What I believe in is progressive approximations of success and acknowledgement that throughout the process, we will experience failures.
People with bipolar disorder have coping techniques and some of them may cause harm or suffering to others. That’s normal. We’re doing the best we can in a very hard situation. But when it comes time to change these coping behaviors into something that’s more positive, it can be really hard. And we absolutely shouldn’t be discouraged when we don’t succeed 100% right out of the gate.
Change is hard. It’s hard for everyone. And it may be even harder for people that are also battling brain disorders. But we can do it. We can change for the better, just not necessarily all at once.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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I like the reframing.
The parable reminds me of the hole poem. I did not write this and take no credit for it, but here it is.
Chapter One I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost …. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend that I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
Chapter Four I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
Chapter Five I walk down another street.
From someone who has had this arguement ma y times with my Mom, thank you.
And to your friend I “practiced” quitting 10 times over 6 years, and finally succeeded 4 years ago. Take every time as a practice till you can!
Dear Natasha Tracy,
You really are an amazing articulate writer; I’ve enjoyed every article you have written and have become so informed! I’ve had three therapist, one said I have BP, another said no I don’t, and the other is undecided. My doctor said it is major depression with failure to thrive. I have had so many different diagnosis that is makes my head spin. Whatever it is, I don’t really care, I care about what helps, and you do! So thank you and I think your writings would be helpful for the majority of folks out in this world and I have sent your link to many. I don’t know if they read it thinking they will help me or not, but I hope they can see their own selves in what you write. It’s not just the sick people who need help.
May there be many blessing in you life.
Thank you,
D
Yeah….not a Springsteen fan.
If all else fails, sing along with Bruce Springsteen…
“And youve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above.”