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I say "I'm grumpy" when really I'm depressed all the time. Like, all the time. It just seems to slip out when people ask me how I am. I think it's because saying "I'm grumpy" feels like less of a lie than "I'm fine." I also think that saying "I'm grumpy" is more socially appropriate than saying "I'm depressed." It's like saying, "I'm dealing with a negative emotion right now but it's one you'll understand," as opposed to, "I'm dealing with an illness right now that you'll never understand." So, yes, when I'm depressed I'll most often admit to being "grumpy."
It's really funny because saying "I'm grumpy," means nothing to me.
surly or ill-tempered; discontentedly or sullenly irritable; grouchy.
And while bipolar disorder does sometimes make me irritable, admittedly, I never actually act this way. I never act grouchy. So when I say, "I'm grumpy," it's like this meaningless equivocation from me where I refuse to commit to any emotion.
On the other hand, if I said, "I'm depressed," I would be admitting something meaningful. I would be admitting to what's inside of me. I would be admitting to something important. Generally, I don't want to do that.
There are so many problems with saying "I'm depressed."
The first one I think of and one that bugs me the most is the next thing that people say.
When I say, "I'm depressed," inevitably, the next thing the other person says is, "Why?"
Why?
Why?
Are you asking why I have bipolar disorder or why I'm experiencing part of it right now?
See, what that always comes off as is, "What's wrong with you?" because being depressed is "wrong." By that I mean that you're wrong or that something else is wrong. So if you said you were depressed because you were going through a divorce, people would understand that as something being wrong. If you said you were depressed for "no reason" then there would be something wrong with you. Because, really, is there any reason that is socially acceptable to be depressed unless something terrible is happening? I mean, we live in a free country, we all have enough food to eat and fast fashion means that we always look great (or whatever).
When you admit to an emotion, people are always looking for a "why" because normal people always have "whys." There is a reason for emotions in non-mentally ill people. Admittedly, they aren't even necessarily aware of it, but it's there, and they know it. Finding it is what therapy is for (and why therapists have an issue with serious mental illness not having a "why," but that's a whole other topic).
In case anyone is wondering, asking me why I'm depressed is like asking why someone with epilepsy has a seizure or someone with asthma can't breathe -- it's because we're sick. That's why.
And the other thing is, people find the notion of being "grumpy" more socially acceptable than being depressed or even sad. If I say I'm grumpy because I ran out of coffee everyone agrees, that's okay. In fact, even if I say I woke up grumpy because I didn't sleep well, people think that's fine. But if I say I'm depressed, people shuffle their feet awkwardly and gaze at the ground. It's similar to saying that you're sad. It makes people uncomfortable. Sadness is inherently a negative and painful emotion whereas grumpiness is just sort of a passing irritant. And no one wants to be confronted with a negative and painful experience. It's almost combative. I'm depressed/sad -- what are you going to do about it?
And, of course, there is nothing they can do. I had bipolar yesterday, I have it today and I will have it for a forever of tomorrows. This, too, makes people uncomfortable as people are mostly problem-solvers. I get this. I like to solve problems too. We like to remove the negative, remove the pain. It's normal and natural.
This desire to problem-solve is also what bring about so many trite responses. It's the thing that motivates people to tell us to, "Turn that frown upside down," or say, "Many people have it worse than you," or proclaim that, "God never gives us more than we can bear," and so on. These types of phrases do kind of make me want to slap the person, but understanding that most of them do it due to their own uncomfortableness in the moment and their honest desire to problem-solve, makes me realize that might be a bit of an unfair overreaction.
But what we, as a society, need to learn is the pain and suffering is real, sometimes immovable and sometimes it's only possible to sit with it. I know that's an uncomfortable fact but it is, indeed, a fact. So when someone says they are experiencing some sort of pain, offer empathy instead of trite "solutions." I know that sitting in pain with someone actually hurts you too, but if you want to help, that's what it honestly takes. And if our society prescribed that type of action in that situation, we would all be the better for it.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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It seems people only once give you all the empathy you need but since this does not go away they quickly tire of your illness.
This is the main reason I keep my pain secret, burning my soul inside.
People only want positive vibes in their life and I bi-polar is that at most half the time.
The other half is when I turn into a cave troll – hating everything and having the patience of a badger sitting on honey.