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I can feel the post-depression-bounce-back hypomania beginning in my brain; not in my body, only in my brain. Hypomanic symptoms started yesterday evening. Things started seeming clear, perhaps just a little too clear, and certainly a little too fast. Bipolar fast. Gospel music (yes, oddly) played in my head intermittently while I guided an old tourist couple to the park, I drafted my upcoming novel, planned a conversation, and I investigated the fallen tree branch in the middle of the baseball field. Rapid fire thoughts, hypomanic thoughts, took over.
“Are you ready for a miracle? Ready as I can be.” “Why is this grass so green? It must be watered.” “So tell me, do you think not responding to emails is rude?” “It’s about a ten minute walk that way.” “The opening scene should contain a description of my balcony.” “Are you ready for a miracle? Set yourself free.” “No it should be a cutting scene. With a knife, no an exacto-blade, no, a razor blade. Which part to cut the wrist, the ankle, the thigh…” “Are you ready, ready, ready for a miracle?”
Fast, frantic, and fragmented are the words of the hypomanic day. Much of the above is muttered out loud as I walk across the grass making me look crazy. Yes, I understand the ridiculousness of that statement. A bipolar crazy. Imagine.
My body still has not recovered from the depression though so I feel like crap. Not as bad as yesterday. Not as bad as the day before. Those not-as-bad-depression are the good things to think about.
The bad thing to think about is the idea that, as a bipolar, for every moment that I spend hypomanic I can expect to spend at least one corresponding moment depressed. And the ratio is probably closer to 1:10 hypomania to depression. And I haven’t even gotten over the last depression yet. Right, a highly unpleasant thought.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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Thanks for sharing. I still am not sure if I come down after a hypomanic episode. Today, I was stressed in the morning and did feel agitated with my husband and my parents.. wanted to lash out, but was able to convince myself that it was due to my bipolar and did work on stopping the thoughts. I did have to nap later in the day. So, do people get tired after a hypomanic episode? My therapist tells me it’s not unusual to take naps at my age. But he may just say that so I don’t get more stressed knowing i will have to rest or nap after a hypomanic episode.
That’s why I take Lamictal, Trileptal, and Seroquel. It is the correct balance of meds to allow me to have energy, but not to become manic. I used to become so manic that my racing thoughts would make me feel disoriented and dizzy, and I would eventually get to the point where I felt euphoric, but I couldn’t speak, because my thoughts were racing so quickly. Not to mention my halucinations and delusions and paranoia that I had before my crash into deep depression. I was lucky to find a combination of meds that would stop the destructive mood cycles. Now that my moods are under control, I have accomplished a lot and have come a long way in my recovery.
I get these a lot and they can feel like paranoid schizophrenia sometimes. Toward the end of a manic episode I tend to get the euphoric, angry, paranoid fluctuating but I was told I don’t get diagnosed with that in those cases because it didn’t start out that way. I also don’t rapid cycle. I get manic for months at a time. My depression is never sad or crying so I tend not to feel anything and just have what I usually write off in denial as being lazy and apathetic for awhile. It is all I can do to get out of bed for anything in that state though. Mixed states are the bad ones with me.
wrong section, you can delete it. I was in the mixed state section LOL
thank you for keeping up the blog! I have learned a great deal about the disorder here over the past several years and it really helps me to have a better understanding of my son’s condition. I am more sensitive and a better listener. Thanks again!
Its true. You pluck the words right outta my head as I read your articles. I feel sometimes like you are going as I’m thinking, and somehow your blog becomes my personal-like journal. I LOVE IT.After coming across your blogs, I now know that my BP signs and symptoms are normal and experienced by many the same way. BP is like a mental prison…its a life of beatings and rescues all inside my head.
Hi, Natasha. I found this year-old blog post of yours when doing a Google search for “coming down from a hypomanic episode gracefully”. While I’m not classically bipolar – at least, I’ve never been diagnosed as such, and I don’t believe such a condition runs in either side of my family – I am pretty severely afflicted with ADHD and several other things.
Anywho…
I will have these episodes in my life, usually brought on by tangibly good things happening to me or around me, where I will basically be a cavalcade of everything and anything “good”. I’m an amateur writer and singer, so for me, this usually means an extremely good week on the websites where I post my writing and singing where I get a ton of views/plays/comments/favorites/etc., a phase where people at work and outside of work laugh at my jokes and engage in a whole slew of social activities with me, and a period of time where it seems like I’m more efficient at work and more efficient at engaging people in general.
Words will come much easier to me as I type them out on the Internet or write them, songs will become much easier to sing, and the instant I get the slightest bit of an idea in my mind that this is all a hypomanic illusion, someone who doesn’t know me particularly well (and, presumably, doesn’t know my mental health background) will pop up to tell me how insightful/funny something I just said was or how good a song I just sang was.
Needless to say… coming down is the worst part. I’m not one to get terribly depressed, but I will (like now) have these feelings of listless ‘blah’, where it’s not like I feel totally worthless, but also not like I feel like I am of any particular use to anyone, either. My performance at work suffers, I stay at home and hide under the covers on my days off, and my blogs and whatnot sit without updates – as they have a bad history of doing in these circumstances – for the duration of said coming-down period.
Long story short, have you ever figured out a way, or tried to come up with a mental framework for a way, to come down from hypomania without violently crashing into a bleak state of listlessness?
Hi A.,
In short, no.
It is my opinion that everything that goes up, must come down and the higher (and longer) you fly, the farther you fall at the end. I see no way to avoid this. It is the cycle. You pay to play.
This means that I never allow the hypomania to get to any real hight. I mostly do this by forcing myself to sleep with medication. As soon as you stop sleeping (or sleep little) things tend to get out of control and feed on themselves.
So, if you want to avoid the down, then you have to reduce the up. But most people don’t want to hear that. And they don’t want to do that because the ups feel so good for them.
And that’s up to you. But like I said, in my experience, you have to pay to play. You just have to decide if the price is worth it.
– Natasha Tracy
It’s http://kiraswhatever.wordpress.com. I didn’t put it because I didn’t wanna use your comments as advertising and such lol. I actually used to write not so much as a living but as a resume builder in high school and college when you don’t get paid you just get plaques and things to hopefully get a fancy job with some day, so I usually can articulate my own crazy thoughts. Even in support groups I’ve been to the bipolar percent is low so I guess I’m not used to other people having thoughts that are even in the same solar system as mine. Maybe I need crazier friends or something. The more articulate crazies I’ve known weren’t bipolar, mostly just depressed. So they could explain half well. I guess that’s why this post struck me so hard. More people can understand depression if not only because everyone has at least been a little sad. Not everyone has been a little manic (at least I don’t think).
I found your website a few days after I started my own blog that oddly enough, sounds just like yours. I feel so unoriginal (which is kinda odd). But we seem to be cycling in opposite, as I’m just coming down from a hypomania/mania bout and had a sad thought this evening and just know where that’s going. It’s strange to read basically my own thoughts come from someone else’s head. I read the hypomanic ones at the same speed that I think them in my head when I have them…which is 10000 mph. So it’s an odd feeling. Like my own little crazy thought bubble plucked from my mind and put here, on your page. Okay, that reply sounds weird, but hopefully it makes sense. Of all the bipolar blogs I’ve found since I started looking a few days ago, almost every one of the posts you’ve made kinda sound like I could have written them. Creepy, but I kinda feel less strange, although now slightly less unique snowflake-y as well.
All that stuff means is thanks for writing this and I hope you keep doing it as I’ll keep reading it for sure.
Hi Kira,
Don’t worry, you’re still a snowflake, I promise. :)
Actually, I get that comment all the time. People often tell me that I’ve plucked the thoughts out of their head. It’s just the case that most people can’t express them the way I do. The secret isn’t so much in the thinking as it is in the expression. I think many of us know our thoughts match in some ways.
Your comment completely makes sense. I’m glad you’re enjoying it. When you’re ready, drop by and tell us your blog name and address.
– Natasha
I love your language Natasha. You capture the experience of bipolar disorder in a way that is both authentic AND attractive. This is quite a feat! Thank you – I will keep reading you :D xx
Gabrielle (aka Bi-Polar Girl)
Hi Gabrielle,
Thanks! That’s an interesting comment. I do like to create exquisite images even out of muck. I’m not sure if I always get there but it looks like this time I did.
Thanks. And do keep reading. I need my readers.
– Natasha