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Bipolar moods go up and bipolar moods go down. This is true. I think, though, bipolar moods also go sideways. And diagonally. So while I know the typical metaphor used with bipolar moods is a rollercoaster (I’ve used it, we all do), recently, my bipolar moods feel like more of a zigzag with rapid, hairpin turns. Yes, this is the bipolar zigzag mood.
I’m having a bout of ultradian cycling in my bipolar disorder. My bipolar moods are changing by the hour(s). These mood changes are swift and often severe. This is why it feels like a zigzag. It’s not so much that it’s hypomania for a few hours and then it’s depression for a few hours — like a rollercoaster — it’s more like some aspects of a mood come out and then I get whiplash as they are exchanged for other mood symptoms. The moods are rarely neatly categorized into a “hypomania/mania” or “depression” but they are more like a bipolar mixed mood with variable symptoms at any given time. Parts of my zigzag mood feel more “hypomania-ish” to me and other parts feel more “depression-ish” to me, but they don’t seem to be squarely in the category of either.
And a “z,” with it’s swift, variable lines and sharp corners, relays this type of bipolar mood experience better than simply “up” or “down” does. It really is like moving diagonally.
Oh, I know what caused this. This is due to a medication change. We changed a dosing schedule and release method to try to combat the nasty anxiety I’ve been getting. Such changes sound good in theory but in practice, they often hurt like hell. But psychopharmacology is like that: guess and check. I know that. But the awfulness of the zigzag mood remains in spite of this knowledge. Knowledge does not quell the bipolar zigzag mood.
This is really is like getting whipped around by your ankles mercilessly.
And while knowledge doesn’t defeat any bipolar mood, insight and knowledge do help deal with it. I have coping skills galore and now’s the time to use them.
First off, there’s communication with my psychiatrist. Not to worry, I have that covered.
Then there’s dealing with each mood symptom as they come — this is doable. I have experience with them all. Up symptoms need to be brought down and down symptoms need to be brought up. It’s the nature of the bipolar beast. Each symptom needs to be dealt with. With a bipolar zigzag mood, it’s like playing symptom Whack-A-Mole.
I think the key for me, though, is to deal with the mood symptoms in the necessary way without feeling bad about it. So, if the symptoms require sleep at 9:00 a.m. (and they did yesterday), then I just have to do that. If they require a PRN medication, then I just have to take that medication. And I have to build my day around those realities and not feel bad about them. Because I can’t flatten out a zed. I just can’t. I’m wise, experienced, knowledgeable, insightful but I can’t do that. I just can’t.
So for the time being, my reality is that I can’t count on a mood from one moment to the next, and dealing with that is what’s going to take up virtually all of my days. This is a sucky reality. But moods are outside of my control. All I can do is deal with them. And I’m going to focus on doing that as best I can and not beating myself up about the fact that I can’t control them in the first place.
Banner image by Intgr [CC BY-SA 3.0 or GFDL], from Wikimedia Commons.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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As to wanting to be the best and feeling like there is pressure to be the best you can be, especially with bipolar. Truely relax- be yourself. Bipolar is nothing to be ashamed of, nor hidden.
It is a disability – people should make allowances. Screw them if they have expectations for you always to be 100 percent.
None of us ever can be all the time:)
Good luck and I like your writing- mine literally keeps me alive!
Hi I’m Brandy. I have Rapid cycling Bipolar Disorder. I’m currently in the mania phase. I was hypomanic/depressed all summer. Now we’re headed for the shit storm. While it’s fun when I’m hypomanic, mania and depression just sucks. My mixed episodes are like a mish mash of symptoms like u said a zigzag. My moods go from mixed episodes for a few days to a few weeks then depression in between for about as long. This mood cycling lasts 1-2years and then I’m at baseline for 1-2 yrs and depressed for 1-2 yrs. At least that’s what I think the pattern is, it’s been known to just randomly change. Anyways, not sure why I told you all that but I did want to say hang in there. I know you already know this but you’re not alone. I read you on Feedly. I’m just starting a website. I’ll give you the info but it’s not done yet :-)
What you describe sounds like what know as, and experience(d too many times!), as Switching. While my ultradian moods are generally suppressed in their extremities by Lamotrigine they still persist, albeit generally at a lower level, as does the sharp Switching. (The barstewards still breaks through with some force occasionally. It’s very embarrassing because often occurs at the most inappropriate moment, like when talking about important that I am excited or animated about A wave sometimes sweeps over and I fill up with tears for no obvious reason. (The family then accuse me of being “over-emotional” … they are so supportive …)