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I can't tell you how horrible it is to be consumed by guilt because of depression and having that lead to suicidal ideation. Well, being consumed by guilt for any reason at all is horrible, but when it's driven by depression -- a demon in your brain -- it's incessant and resistant to logic. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by guilt because of depression and it actually made me suicidal.
And when I say I was consumed by guilt, I mean it felt like a guilt-monster actually ate me. I felt overwhelmed to a millionth degree. I actually couldn't do anything without feeling the guilt and I could do anything about feeling the guilt.
In this case, I had things I was feeling guilty about, but it was mostly the depression inventing the guilt that I was feeling. It wasn't that I had don't anything "wrong" per se, I was just feeling guilty anyway and that guilt was leading to suicidal ideation.
In my case, I had seen a friend the day before. She's a wonderful human with two daughters. Her daughters seem to be lovely proto-humans. But when I'm around, the girls tend to act out a bit because there's a visitor there (this is what my friend has said). I get that. I probably did that when I was a kid.
But they kind of drive me crazy. Incessant talking, banging, yelling and so on really overloads my senses. I don't know how my friend does it. She's amazing.
So when I was there, I spent some time with her family and spen some time with her alone. Yes, I prefer the time with her alone. I'm selfish that way.
But now I'm worried that I've insulted her and/or her children and I feel massively guilty about it. I didn't do anything but I just feel guilty.
And I know that even if I have done something to hurt my friend (which I don't believe I have), the level of guilt I'm feeling is insane and wildly out of proportion with the sin. The guilt is being driven by my depression. My depression is manifesting as guilt and that is creating suicidal ideation. I know that, but holy moly did that not help.
See, what we know is that depression is just when certain chemicals line up in the brain and fire in certain ways. All emotions are like that. We may not be able to pinpoint the specifics, but we do know that emotions are at least partially biological in nature.
So when I'm consumed by guilt because of bipolar disorder, what I need to remember is that it's just my brain beating me up. Depression often manifests as guilt, that's no surprise. It's just one of the ways that depression gets you, makes you feel bad and even makes you want to end your life.
And yesterday, that was what I wanted. I felt so guilty because of
I wish I could tell you I had some secret technique and I beat it, but that wouldn't be true.
What did I do? I slept. I slept and I slept and I slept.
When I tried to be awake and do awake things, I couldn't. The suicidality would just get worse and worse. So I had to sleep to save myself from myself. I had to sleep to save myself from my all-consuming guilt because of depression. I had to save myself from my suicidal urges.
To the best of my recollection, I don't recall ever having been driven to such dangerous suicidal ideation from guilt over nothing before. But that's bipolar depression for you. It's a moving target. Its symptoms wiggle. The illness is very hard to pin down from day to day.
Now that it's the next day, I feel like I can stand up to that guilt somewhat. I have contacted my friend to see if I have upset her in some way. I need to hear her say that everything is okay -- or that it isn't. Either way, I need her to verify that so I can face it and deal with it head-on. I can make mistakes but I can also apologize for mistakes and I can be forgiven. And when depression isn't everything, I can deal with things more like your average person. (Even if they're things my brain pretty much just made up.)
Honestly, my friend may think me asking about it is really weird. I'm okay with that. I can explain it to her if I have to. And I know she'll understand. She's wonderful that way.
So what I would say is that if you find an emotion like guilt driving you to consider suicide -- get help or use extreme coping skills immediately. Because later, you won't be so all-consumed by that emotion. Later you will be able to deal with that emotion in a more real way. Later you'll be able to see it for what it is: a misfiring brain and not a reason to die.
I know that can sound obvious, but it isn't when you're in that place. Your brain can lie very convincingly. I know that. You know that. So wait it out until you can get out of that place. You can do it. I did.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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I hurt someone I love very badly. Every day I want to kill myself but don’t have the guts. Not to mention I fear death and what happens when we die especially by suicide. Have been on SSRIs and am now leaning towards anti psychotics. In addition, I suffered a trauma 18 months ago which started all of this madness. I am feeling mighty hopeless. Thanks for listening.
You’re a warrior with this! My son has bipolar disorder too and I can relate. Many of my podcast guests that share their story discuss your true authentic voice vs. your mental illness voice. That guilt is your mental illness voice and the fact that you’re aware of it is amazing. I’m glad you were able to sleep, that seems to be your coping strategy. Some people pace, like my son and the last thing you want to do, is be alone to listen to your mental health voice. Others have provided lots of feedback and advice and your message spoke to others. Mental illness is something we need to humanize and understand more, so thank you for helping us to do that.
~Shining a light for a brighter tomorrow
Thank you, Natasha, for sharing your experiences. It helps a lot of people who, I’m sure, feel alone in this sometimes. I am feeling guilt, and have been sleeping for basically three days, because when I wake up, I beat myself up for everything, like getting overwhelmed by opening an Amazon box and making a return, because it requires too much mental energy. Or, making a simple grocery list. Then I start feeling guilt for bigger things, like for being a drag on my husband who doesn’t have mental illness. Then I think, and almost wish, he’d just leave me so he could be happier. But your post reminded me that THIS IS DEPRESSION. And That maybe my only goal right now should be to get off the couch and go read a chapter of a book I know will uplift me, or take a breath of fresh air, and that it will be okay to pat myself on the back for that.
I just posted my ‘guilt’ experience a little while ago and just bringing up and writing about the situation where I embarrassed and hurt a loved one makes me want to self harm. Any suggestions? Hurting myself right now seems like the only way out of what I did. What makes all of this even more horrible is that my mania has been brought on by a trauma I experienced 18 months ago. This has caused me to act in ways I never ever would have in my life. I am working with a therapist who is trying to convince me that what I did ‘wasn’t that bad’ and that it was my mania acting out not me. Before my trauma I couldn’t have even imagine doing the things I have done especially to my sweet brother. I am getting that ‘I want to die’ feeling yet I really don’t want to die just want to roll back the clock to when I wasn’t like this My dr us trying to convince me to take meds but meds can’t fix what I have done nor can they shut my brain off at night. Help me please!!
Thanks for this Natasha! I use sleeping to get out of my head as well. It would be one of my “extreme” coping skills. And it is amazing how one day can look and feel so different from the one before! Off to the treadmill today. I can do that on autopilot, and read a magazine at the same time. At least that’s the plan… Your article has inspired me to at least get up and get dressed, and that’s a huge start some days! [emoji heart here]
This article spoke to me. I did something bet deceitful and uncharacteristic of me during a manic episode. After I realized the seriousness of what I had done (to my brother no less), I seriously considered ending it all. I told him what I had done (I embarrassed him online via his own Facebook account as he had given me his password) he shrugged it off and didn’t seem to care. This was 3 months ago and I still think about it every day. I hate myself and struggle with my stupidity every moment of every day. I wish I could sleep to escape yet I am the opposite..I don’t sleep well at all.
In times like this, it’s so important to have a friend(s) you can talk to…
Personally, I love to devote all my time and attention to something, like a hobby. It helps me stop thinking negatively. Do get help if you can’t handle it, it’s nothing to be ashamed of!
This was exactly what I needed to read today. I have a lot of guilt over what some would consider silly things. This weekend I went on what I’d call a self harm bender. And by the end I was suicidal. I thought I should die because I was a bad person to the core but a few days out I can view it differently. Thank you for writing this.
Please take a minute to catch your breathe and try to relax to some calming music. Go to sleep if you must but please don’t hurt yourself. Call someone you can talk to and drink some water.
God bless you.
Lisa
I had a blazing row with my brother and took an overdose of insulin. After 5 days I was sent home from hospital with a months worth of insulin. I took that and spent 3 days in intensive care. Now I’m home I can’t get rid of these suicidal thoughts and I want to do it again. The so called experts aren’t helping I don’t know where to turn anymore.