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If you knew me, you would know that I smile a lot. I fake smile a lot as a bipolar depression coping skill. Even when I’m quite depressed, I smile around others to hide. I would consider this to be pretty normal for people with a mental illness and even people without it. After all, how many people are hiding grief or heartbreak, for example, behind a smile?
But then there’s when I’m alone. I actually smile when I’m alone. When I was walking alone on the street this morning, I smiled at the moon. (I love when it’s out in the morning.) Somehow, seeing the moon created a smile on my face. Why is that? Why is it when I’m depressed I still smile when I’m alone?
This is an interesting phenomenon that I’ve noticed for years. There are different parts to why I think smiling in spite of depression when alone happens.
First off, there’s this concept that if you smile, if you act happy, your brain will actually “be” (neurologically) happier than if you constantly frown. This is a real thing. If you brood and grimace all the time, you’re actually encouraging depression.
I’m not suggesting you should suppress your emotions and never genuinely express them – you absolutely should – I’m just saying that smiling can, in fact, affect your brain in a positive way. It’s incredible.
And regardless as to whether we understand the neurological basis for this or not, it seems to work and my body seems to know it.
But then there’s the second reason I think smiles in spite of depression happen when alone. I think my body just has a fake smile reflex that has been developed over years of smiling when I didn’t want to. This has been developed as a depression coping skill. When I’m out with people I know when I’m “supposed” to smile. We generally do. When something good happens or someone tells a joke it’s time to smile. In fact, many of us simply have a smile as a default expression (I do). This is a societal thing. People prefer others who are happy. Being around a happy person is more pleasant than being around a grumpy one. And I do want to be pleasant to be around. It’s how you make, and keep, friends, after all.
Again, I’m not suggesting that crazy, Joker-like smiling all the time is a good idea – people will sense your fakeness and it’s not healthy for you. I’m just suggesting what we all already know – people want to be around happy people. They don’t want to be brought down by others. Honestly, I think this is fairly reasonable and that’s why this depression coping skill developed, I suspect.
And so I do fake smiles because of depression – like, a lot. After all these years, it really is a reflex smile. I don’t have to work at it at all. What I feel is irrelevant to how I appear. So, is it such a reflex that it happens even when I’m alone? I think it might be.
As I’ve said, there are likely neurological benefits to this and perhaps my brain has internalized that and understands it without me really knowing. It’s quite possible. But I still think it is intensely weird.
So, now that we know that I fake a smile all the time, the question is, when are my smiles actually real?
This I don’t have an answer to, neurological or otherwise. I really find it difficult to tell. It’s really tough to say when your leg is moving just because the doctor is hitting the right tendon with a hammer when you can’t feel or see the hammer. When are you moving your leg yourself? How does it feel different? Does it feel different at all?
I don’t know the answers to these questions. When do I “feel” like smiling? I have no idea. When I’m not depressed, I get that smiles are more likely to be real. But even when people are happy they fake smiles. It’s just a thing we do. How many times have you laughed at a joke that wasn’t funny?
I guess the only difference I can detect is after the fact. I’m tired after I see people when I’m depressed because it’s just so tiring to fake all that happiness. When I genuinely feel like smiling, the same effort isn’t required. When I actually feel like smiling, I feel less tired.
Still, that doesn’t answer the question as to whether an individual smile is genuine. I suspect I can’t answer this question simply because it has been so many years of depression and fake smiles as a coping skill. If I was more familiar with genuine happiness, maybe this wouldn’t be a question. But I’m not. I’ve lost my smile-reality detector. This is a sad thing. But it’s a thing. However, I know I’ll keep smiling and I’ll keep trying to inch my brain upwards towards happiness. And maybe one day that will be a thing.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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~ In the past I never “faked smiled”. I didn’t feel like smiling so I didn’t. And having a placid/ (I’m not interested) look on my face kept ppl away. In my elder years I have learned (regardless of where my mental illness is at on any given day) that it’s better (when around others) to have a smile (even just a pleasant look) so my countenance gives off the impression that I’m approachable. A nice person. I’ve discovered it makes the world and all in it; a little softer ~ Thank you Natasha for all your articles; I cherish the comeraderie they bring ~
“Somehow, seeing the moon created a smile on my face. Why is that? Why is it when I’m depressed I still smile”
I think depression doesn’t have to mean you can’t still have a positive emotion at least for one second sometimes. Like you said in your own post, you love the moon out in the morning. So that’s why you smiled I guess, because you love it…?
And, it’s a great thing actually that depression doesn’t have to mean that.
Excellent post. I fake smile all the time too. I hope it is okay to reblog this. It is so good, I must share. Thank you for sharing. Hugs, Sue ❤
Hi Sue,
I’m so glad you like it. Thank you.
What you can do is share via social media any way you like. You can also quote up to 20% of the work (this is called fair use).
What you can’t do, however, is copy and paste the article anywhere. (Sometimes that’s what people mean.) Everything is copyrighted here.
I just wanted to be clear.
Thanks for your thoughts.
– Natasha Tracy
I think that sometimes all we need to focus on is the fact that we were able to smile :)
Like they say, enjoy the small wins.
I’ve recently started to realise that I need to stop EXPECTING life to be happy and to accept that every single day is filled with things that can bring you down. The challenge is to find ways to fill your life with people and activities that combat that and put a smile on your face.
So if you’re able to smile – I would just make a note of what it was that made you smile and then inject more of that into your life (assuming it’s not unhealthy).
Dear Admin
Requesting you to please upload any video related to this blog
Hi Paras,
I’m not sure what you mean. I haven’t created very many videos, but you can see the ones I have created here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCok5JeP_h0Emlw0EoPFlPdQ
– Natasha Tracy
I call fake smile, my street face. I’m so depressed that I only laugh when my husband is at home. I feel uncomfortable around my adult children because they can tell when I’m faking. It’s tough to try and shine like you used to. I’m outgoing, find humor everywhere. I just shut down and can’t control the depression. It’s not easy. I push myself all the time not to stay down.
Whoever is interested:
My sister is in Cuba she’s got her IPad promised to email.
But b/c their communist country,said don’t expect anything.
When I got back from shopping for food & stuff checked emails.
Surprisingly there was one from her fairly lengthy too.
Thinking my younger & we are very close) brother would like to hear about it,
I took out the major points of the email.
OOPS
That was WRONG he got jealous & angry saying I am getting special treatment & he received
No email.
My coping skills taught me say immature
But my heart hurts as I wrote him 2 emails & im depressed
We email regulallly though he lives 3-1/2 h drive away.
I think as an empath,it’s going deeper than the email.
Yup,I have easy Peary life
Rapid cycling BP epilepsy chronic pain syndrome,
PTSD oesoarthritis thru my body,body dysmorphia,migraine headaches,stomach ulcer!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh & miscarriage @ 18 & plenty of darkness that’s no ones business 14-18!
Every day I try
Every day it’s something w me
Or me & someone
Yes
Plenty times
I want to STOP
What happened to my comment??? Regards; James Joseph Blaha lll “Journey Into Seld”
Since you gain insight from your writing, how would like to contribute to the 2nd book of my trilogy? 1st. book was published 5 yrs, ago. “Journey Into Self’> I plan to publish this story before the end of the year. 3rd story/book 2020. Regards; James Joseph Blaha lll
Hi Jim,
Thank you for the offer, but I am working on my own book right now.
– Natasha Tracy
Sorry-I just can’t fake smile…
Tangential anecdote:
I had all but mastered fake smiling. I couldn’t do it when I was alone, because that was the only time I felt it was safe to express my pain freely, so my me-time was spent crying. I’d had this method some twenty years and it worked well, but then I developed Graves’ disease. You see, Graves’ disease can make your eyes constantly overwet. Often, it’s more than that; tears dribbling out nonstop like a bad tap.
Story time!: I was sitting in the lobby of my friend’s apartment building waiting for her to come down and let me in. Having just walked in from the wind, my eyes were watering very badly. I kept drying them, but I’m sure I looked like a wreck. The front of my shirt was darkened by tears it caught. While I sat there, a grocery-laden man stepped in. He glanced at me, then the building entrance buzzer thing, then back to me, and asked, “Aw, sweetheart. You gonna be okay?”
I smiled and even chuckled a little. “Oh, I’m not upset. I just have this disease that makes my eyes water. I’m okay, thank you, though.” I sniffled and gave him another of my best reassuring smiles.
“No, no you’re not. I can tell,” he transferred all his grocery bags to one hand. “It’s okay to not be okay. Okay? Don’t worry.” He tapped over his heart with his free hand and buzzed himself into the building.
In the empty lobby, I cried. And I laughed. All these years of showing pain in a hidden place and now I have this disease that, in effect, puts the look of pain on display for everyone who cares to notice. Whether I like it or not. My body decided to turn snitch. To give me “a real reason to cry.” To elicit the attention I hate (but need?).
Bonus anecdote: In third grade, our music teacher played Rosey Grier’s “It’s Alright To Cry.” I got the message then, I sang along, but I got older and thought it was nonsense. I mean, it suggests that letting yourself feel can help to metabolize the feelings you don’t like and “get the sad out.” I balked at the advice as I felt I had tried so hard to cry this stuff out for years and nothing was changing…
I’m not coming to any kind of point. I’d just circle past it again if I tried. Unfortunately my thoughts are only subjectively cogent, and I suspect they come out as gibbering and vain meaninglessness. I’m sorry. But I keep getting the advice to write about myself, and what better place to practice than in response to a BB article that made me think about myself. I know writing here is still enabling my secret-ish addiction for attention and burnishing my rotten ego but, at least if I hurt someone with it here, my comment will be appropriately moderated.
tl;dr – Thank you again for everything you write. It always makes me start digging around my head to plant valuable things, and along the way I sometimes find things that were already in there that aren’t too shabby.
Hi M,
You’re not “gibbering vain meaningless” words. You’re expressing yourself. That is positive.
You’re welcome for any contribution my work makes.
– Natasha Tracy
Empaths can often spot a fake smile, but in truth, it’s not so difficult. We fake smile with the muscles around the mouth and jaw, but a smile has to be verified by the smile of the eyes! Sad eyes tell the lie of the grin and chuckles. See pictures of Robin Williams – his eyes gave away the sadness hiding behind his smile.
Hi Harry,
Yes you are so true.
I’m also an empath…..but I could not only tell by the eyes,but the aura.
Plus body language if someone was depressed.
The old ” for the eyes are the window of the soul” holds true.
Maybe people can fake a smile,but the eyes tell a different tale.
Whenever I’m depressed my eyes just look like a wounded animal.
I cannot run/ nor hide.
Unfourtunately neither could many other bipolar individuals: such as Robin Williams,
Kurt Cobain,Amy Winehouse.
Great talents,gone too soon.
To this nasty illness we are all battling.
Perhaps the difference is we accept who we are & are trying to get help.
These people were in the public eye,with paparazzi round daily.
Plus in denial…..
I mean how would the truth look to the media that these great talents were
In a psych ward 5150????
Media was 1/2 their careers!!
Anyway this empath also needs to compose another email.
Stay well BP friends in cyberspace……??????????????????