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My bipolar is making me feel like hell. But then, there are so few days that I don’t. And now it’s particularly bad because my body won’t seem to regulate its sleep properly. I’m having trouble getting to sleep and then I’m waking up too late. (Yes, an alarm would fix the too late part but then I’d be even more tired than I already am.)
Did I ever mention that I hate bipolar disorder?
Sometimes people rag on me here and in my inbox for not getting back to them. They get mad that I don’t do what they want. They’re mad that I don’t support their causes. They’re mad that I don’t look at their books. I get it. You want me to do something and I don’t do it. That tends to make people mad.
But I think these people forget that I have bipolar too. All those sucky days that they suffer from? Yes, I have those too. All those days when they don’t want to get out of bed? I have those too. All the times when they can’t work because they are too sick? Yes, I have those too.
I’m not super-bipolar-girl. I’m just regular-bipolar-girl. And I’m a pretty damn sick one at that. So people need to just lighten up.
I think that people have no idea what kind of pressure is exerted when people contact you every day for something. Strangers that expect me to fix their lives and an uncountable number of people who are suicidal. Well, just for the record, I don’t fix people’s lives. I don’t have that power. And I am not a suicide hotline.
And when people write me absolute novels in the form of a message? Yeah, I don’t have time to read all that. I get that your circumstances may be complicated but perhaps it might be better for you to talk to a friend or a professional psychotherapist, in that case.
Because my time is very valuable. I don’t say this because I’m special. I’m not. I just know that I have few productive hours in the day and that makes those hours more precious than it does for the average person. And if you don’t want to pay me for those hours, that’s okay, but I need to find someone who will. “Dear Natasha . . .” letters do not pay my mortgage.
And it’s like this for all people with a severe mental illness. We have to spend our functional hours carefully because there just isn’t enough of them. I have to spend my functional hours working. I have to spend it on speaking gigs. I have to spend it writing. I have to spend it doing paid consultations. Because if I didn’t, my kitties would have no kibble and I would have no roof over my head.
So, the next time you think about getting mad at a person with bipolar who doesn’t call you back or can’t make it out to a party or who has to sleep instead of see you, maybe consider that they just don’t have the time. His or her bipolar (or other mental illness) is taking up that time and energy. We don’t have the time you have. Our days are shorter. Our lives are shorter. Please understand that we are doing the best we can with very limited resources. I wish I had more to give, but I don’t. That’s just the way it is and I don’t like it any more than you do (personified by the fact, by the way, that I’m crying as I write this).
As a quick side note: most of my long-time readers do understand this about me and are very good about understanding. And I do get messages where people clearly understand that I might not get back to them. So this isn’t a global thing, it’s just something I felt I needed to say for my own self-expression.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
Shopping for someone with a mental illness can feel tricky—you want a gift that actually helps, not just more clutter. This guide walks you through 15 thoughtful, low-pressure mental health gifts that offer real comfort, reduce stress, and say, “I see you and I’m here,” during the holidays and all year.
I’m never going to call bipolar pain a “gift.” Most days, I just want it to stop. But emotional and even physical pain aren’t always random torture—they’re often trying to tell us something. This piece digs into what your pain might be saying, how to listen, and how that can make living with it just a little easier.
After 24 of 30 TMS sessions with no meaningful improvement, I wrote the guide I needed: why failed treatment hurts, how to get through the next 72 hours, and what to ask your clinician now.
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Dear Natasha: firstly,I hope your feeling better ( much)
Speaking for myself & the group,we all are concerned & have only your best interests @ heart here
:-)
Re your book,I’m inclined to agree with Stevie,a personal memoir,not another blah blah SOS bipolar book.
The more I thought,the more I agreed with her,most absolutely.
Not that were going to become identical,but really there’s plenty about you I don’t know that I’d like to
Re bipolar…..WHEN YOUR READY TO COMPOSE IT.
Hope your psych maybe helped with that issue….
But still,you’ll likely need recovery time…I’m sure it’ll be worth the wait…as mum said all great things are going to be…
Besides,speaking only for me,I’m in no hurry.
Not sleeping hardly over 2 weeks plus cancelled psych appt till now nearly end of FEB
BP is SO FRUSTRATING!!!
Stay well Natasha,TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST …..Stay well BP friends in cyberspace…sweet dreams tonite
Off to feed cat then back,into,bed…….xxx to everyone struggling ie everyone …Sandra,ciao.
Dougie
You were spot on.
Though,it is easy to put something’s on hold…
Family is another story.
But,thank you.
Sensibility in just a few words…
Yours in bipolar,Sandra
Getting back to people is YOUR choice!! You shouldn’t have to explain anything ! The ones that don’t get it ? Don’t understand ? Don’t deserve a response until they gain more insight . I think it’s wrong as someone with bi polar that you should have this extra stress , you don’t need it!
I understand this very well. It is very hard for me to maintain stability, and I only have so much time. I have been relatively happy for the past few years, but I am often tired because of all that I have to do to maintain stability. Stability does not come naturally to me. It takes a lot of work! It is very hard for most others to understand.
This website is amazing! I totally understand, I’m in NZ and am a professional photographer trying to wrangle exactly the same bipolar 2 rapid cycling combo as you and it’s hard huh, when you’ve got clients and need to make money to live but you’re also wrangling with the fact you literally need to squeeze work in the good days as fast as possible because half the time you might be lying in bed all day avoiding calls, feeling blergh, or depressed, tired, sleepless, anxious, paranoid …. Haha what a joke. We all deserve big fat medals – I truely believe that. Or bumper stickers that say ‘living twice as hard’. You’ve written the blog that I’ve always wanted to see and or write. I love it. You’re awesome. End of story :) hope you’re have a good day today – and if not – I guarantee you’ll feel better soon. Be nice to yourself and pat your kitty.
Hi there cat..
I just read your funny post..
I’ve decided ( well,see I don’t drive since I’m on so many meds & the X factor $$
My sticker would simply say living hard…but not like in a Keith Richards rock star way…
In a I feel like a Hoover life sucked out of me sort of way…
The medal?
Well may have an issue as one does need a bra…
But I am a rebel WITH A CAUSE…
So I think the medal would say BIPOLAR STILL trying,other DAYS … WINNING!!
With A huge PICTURE OF my FAVE ACTOR / GENIUS / BIPOLAR Charlie Sheen ….KOOL!!!
Below the photo all these smiley faces…
Nothing vile vulgar maybe..a younger Charlie he was cuter then.
Poor guy…I hope every time I see him online or in news that he cleans his act up…
As he is such a gifted genius in so many ways..I’d hate to see him die young…he sure won’t admit to BP.
Oh well.
Thanks Cat..must be lovely over there I’d think…
In stark comparison,here where we are in CANADA is snowy icy FREEZING BLOODY COLD!!
Stay Well
Yours in Bipolarland ….Sandra…xx
Ok I’ve had it w this shit.
I’m sick of hearing bad news everywhere I turn…
I’m so had it blow up major) with sister last night were I ordinarily would’ve ..just been..more ME & not allowed that
verbal abuse ( it was,though naturally the one with the squeaky wheels in the family gets blamed for …)
I was passive only a teeny aggressive.
I’m way passed exhausted sometimes my brains so whipped I’m not sure how to spell a simple word ( very embarrassing for a English top of class) I couldn’t do arithmetic in the shop today had to ask clerk to help
OMG ,I feel idiotic…wtf…
It’s all this all that all this all that….
It’s all a lie!!
I had ( so I thought ) least part week fairly free…well,when you don’t sleep Natasha exactly right..
You tend to oversleep.
Then for me screws up my schedule but I have to get zzs whenever I can at this point..or….
I cry,get weepy over ????
God knows what,I wish things weren’t so ultra shitty but alas they are.
See,my moods are scary…
I seemed & felt semi ok ( for me) but honest honest….sleep been wreck since turn of 2015 since my cat got sick.
Bipolar is like the hamster running forever on the treadmill,working forever personally in that state I multitavsk
But majority time passive,slug.
My internal clock refuses to just WORK….FRUSTRATED AS bloody HELL
See the Dr next week….omg.
Another chemical merry go round …how fun.
No.
How discouraging & disappointing ,irritating & GODDAMN I JUST want to FEEL BETTER!!!!
I’d GIVE UP EVERYTHING ( but my cat) for WELLNESS……
But ….as I lay like a slug,useless in bed…
I’ve BUSTED MY ASS, …..excuse the discouraged rant all,& esp Natasha.
It’s not like I’ve a soft place to fall,to say I’ve been abused / exploited is…well…DONT WANT TO GO TO THAT DARK PLACE….( no one can ever cry your tears unless they’ve walked through a similar journey increasing the sorrow felt commonly amongst us all
Sandra
oh sandra, hang in there sweet lady. wish we, the bipolar girls, could give you giant group hug. cyber hug to you.
Hilo Dee Dee
( get the joke??)
Thanks.
Got a 3 h nap in today..
But however,late in the afternoon went lab rat …clean tidy ORGANISE repeat….over…
Make lists…over repeat…
God I will be IN PARADISE when the hamster wheel stops it’s chaotic craziness.
This is my type of BP typical pattern..hate it.
Like I mentioned,be fine for quite few hrs….then….you never know what’s up or down to be honest.
Thought in my brain made sense to clean the clutter then maybe my brain wouldn’t sense clutter / chaos(??)
I know,to many likely sounds odd…but to me perfectly logical.
Only went out Tues.
Don’t trust myself with $ right now,but I’ve no credit cards I destroyed them at one time I had 4!!!
That didn’t work for me…at all!!
Cash only now…or save till I’ve the money.
Less stressful,those bills were killing me…..plus making worse my sister works in….A FINANCIAL INSTITUTION.
Oh well….
I learned everything the HARDEST WAY.
But then it STICKS!!!
Ciao
Stay well
BFF in cyberspace Bipolarland Sandra
I have so much respect for all of you. I have tried so hard – for so long – to fight, to DO what others thought I should do.. Now after about 20 yrs,,I have given up and am just accepting this..relaxing, and doing what I feel I can – without guilt..until someone tells me – it has been too long.. you have some time left- you could meet someone, get married..then I think I am doing it wrong.. I am not suicidal at the moment,,I am dealing with grief, Cptsd and other realities in counselling..I just don’t want to stress myself..I have finally got rid of the constant anxiety that took 30lbs off me. I am eating a bit more. Typing this has reinforced that I am doing the RIGHT thing for ME!! I need to say NO – I have let go of everyone except one or two people – but I keep them at arms length. I HAVE to focus on my RECOVERY – or I have nothing. Computer Buddies are safe LOL – they don’t NEED or expect anything fm me. I am grateful to know I am not alone in my ‘strangeness’ lol Be Well
Thank you Lucy for catching me before I fall…. Too much too much too much( did I say too much?
Must sleep sleep sleep the great healer.
I find writing easier,myself.
But even I need a break from this intensity OL.
Nite
Xo
Sandra
Bluebird,
My advice ( only advice..)
Would be give each other some space..
Sounds to me like your bf is feeling he needs it …
Try not worry too much..
Refocus in the interim.
No text no talk.
Let him start the conversations & relationship up again.
Then you’ll have no doubts right?
I get this will be hard
You may have to have a friend take your phone or hide it in your place….
But seriously speaking,distance/ time apart for awhile ( how long between you 2)
I honestly feel would help.
Hang w your girlfriends do family stuff,hobbies whatever,get to know YOURSELF more…..
Be interesting after see what turns out then.
Best o luck.
Sandra yours in bipolar.
Great advise Sandra! You are such a thoughtful person.
Hey Dee
Hi
Thanks,
Just my opinion on a touchy subject matter..
Hope it was useful to Bluebird.
Hope your staying well,Dee & had an epic holidays!
Hugs
Sandra yours in bipolar cyberspace weeeeeeee
Thank you Sandra.
This has been a very difficult season, with many unexpected challenges. Mom’s close to death, dad’s sick, dog’s lame, and I am tired of is all, et cetera.
Learning to love and accept us as we are, has been, quite frankly, impossible. I can see the good in most everyone, and can accept them for mistakes they make, but when it comes to this soul, clemency is not available. Not yet anyway. Death seems the only way to peace. I think I have given up.
Just trying to wrap ourselves in a dryer warm blanket whenever possible.
Be well sweet lady.
OMG Dee,
I’m so so sorry…
Please though don’t give in or up!
I know…I’ve been in the depths of darkness many times…
Everyone here has.
If it makes it any easier or makes you feel less alone,my dear cat was very sick New Years Eve!
$300 Vet bill,another row with sister,physical pain thru the roof,money issues,( owed my sister the $300 Emerg $)
Had to remember to give me kitty a pill every AM for 5 mornings plus the horrid fears ….of that’s the way I lost my first cat GI ( stomach ALIMENTS)
Worried sick…stayed home till I had to go to my GP ( script repeat) but relieved my cat recovered is her cute happy self again….I hadn’t caught up on sleep until 7 th I think….even on sleep meds…just the ROLLERCOASTER UP
Down vice versa……
Does it help to write what’s on your mind?
Dee,I’m concerned about you.
This is not the first time you made references to suicide…
I hope you will reach out to a even suicide hotline..it’s anonymous …you say whatever you feel like.
As Natasha said,we aren’t a suicide hotline,or can she or I or any of us..
Though we can say we care,we are as Natasha said,also sick.
I certainly do not have the answers.
I,like Natasha though educated & write well,am also EXTREMELY SICK ,in THERAPY ON COCKTAIL PSYCH
MEDICAL ISSUE MEDS.
Point is …I’m not …I feel right now?
Exactly like Natasha.
thanks sandra,
sometimes i don’t think well. sorry to concern you and anyone else. i am not going to kill myself. i just wish i could when it gets to be too much . . . im sure you get it. I can’t leave my pooch. like you and your kitty, I love my dog.
like you I am $700 in the hole and it is getting deeper and deeper. credit cards, don’t cha love’m!
i took a 5 mile fast walk tonight, got rid of some of that anxiety that’s been piling up.
thank you for caring. i appreciate it.
Hi Natasha,I’m hoping you are feeling better,and hopefully got sometime to read the wonderful
heartfelt ,supportive comments composed for you.
I know speaking only from my mind & heart,my posts come from a place of gratitude & sincere honest connection
I feel to you,the guts it must take to keep this blog running plus all bipolar shit like the rest of us….
Some tend to forget,thinking oh yeah but she went to uni yrs & she’s professional writer BUT YOUR BIPOLAR
and A HUMAN BEING WHO SUFFERS like US.
Deserving dignity & RESPECT
I say those that CANNOT SHOW you THAT,or OFFER you an olive branch when your not well…just out of the kindness of their heart….THAT IS INDEED WRONG
As you ARE HERE FOR US.
I ADMIRE YOU COURAGEOUS WOMAN
Thank you for the gift you’ve given me ( well,many actually)
The ability to pop back into my writing again,which I was very good at ONCE UPON A time
The ability to get EVEN more HONEST…( I’m pretty honest anyway.
To realize that things I thought I could survive w/ out example at one time bf …would not,nor anything but therapy
Meds & whatever personalized treatment your psych sets up for you WILL BUT BP IN REMISSION…
Or however you like to say it.
Lastly a huge lesson,ONE SIZE LBD ISNT the RIGHT FIT…
Meaning one persons real success story could be another’s downfall….
I’ve always wanted to say I owe you one,but I owe you as you can see plenty more than 1
Last but never least,we do have Some NOT ALL control…USE IT or …GET INTO TROUBLE.
Take responsibility DONT BLAME IT ALL ON BP…
Own up see your self as YOU are & be REAL with YOU.
Cause at the end of the DAY who do you have to answer to?
YOU.
Stay well,Natasha.
I care very much…I found your site…let’s put it…was GOOD KARMA.
Hugs.
Hopefully others will see there’s a real lady typing behind that PC
Don’t worry,
I don’t expect you to send me anything in return,unless you feel up to it.
I just want YOU TO STAY WELL
Ciao
Sandra
Hi Sandra,
Actually, although I answer very few comments here, I do read them all and I certainly do appreciate the ones that people have thoughtfully composed for me on this thread. I know there are those caring people out there and sometimes they are lost in the shuffle of the internet – but there are you, bright and shining as anything.
How I’m feeling waverse but last night, as I couldn’t sleep, I thought up an idea for a book on bipolar that I think will sell. Now, whether I will write this book is hard to say, but I think I’m going to try. When I do, I hope you’ll consider buying a copy.
– Natasha Tracy
I know I would buy your book! I know i may not be the most supportive person in the world, but I do appreciate all your compassion and knowledge you have.
I hope you do write this book, you are a wealth of helpful information.
Hi sweet pea!
Thank you So much for your compliments …I feel honoured….
No I’m serious.
Am very sorry to hear you are still unwell.
Sleep rut is a bitch,isn’t it?
I’d been in one from Jan 1 till Jan 7!
I turn my clock radio away from my face so I can’t OCD about zzs
It’s nasty..i hope it fixes itself my cycle will, but I’m on sleep meds too) & SEVERE STRESS as well…..
Which is basically over…
Re your book,if it’s only available online I may have to see if my sister can buy it using her VISA
After MINE GOT ..TAKEN AWAY ( well,actually I had part of the celebral cortex working…) agreed..
$2500 SHOPPING …..MANIA….DONT GET CREDIT CARDS CASH OR DEBIT ONLY!!!!
NO CHEQUES…
OFF topic..
Sorry….
Stay Well,
WHATEVER IT TAKES ……YOU come BEFORE ANYTHING ANYONE.
YOU CANT HELP US
IF your NOT WELL, NO BRAINER.
Respectfully YOURS,
Yours in bipolar
BFF in Cyberspace.
Sandra…try…umm ..Nature music,like spa music…maybe..kinda chilling…???
Keep us posted as to how things are going.
Xo
Cheers
<3 Natasha- Every once in a while a new book on bipolar comes out, and it's the usual– nothing new, banal, ''here's a new drug'', same ol, same ol, repetitive brand of bipolar book bore.
Just when you think that maybe there is something new to be said, that can help us sufferers…….nothing.
Just a big hot water casserole… another raging disappointment.
And since we are so known for our raging,…..we are left to rage even more. Blood in the wind.
After reading your ''columns'' here for sometime now, it's obvious you have a firm, and realistic grip on the ins and outs of this miserable illness we are all forced to endure. The mind-set we struggle with daily, those wasted futile days, the explosions, and those manic hamster wheeling nights….. and all of the ugly- in between.
We're forced to live in this private ''members only'' hell club, and our club needs your helpful and hellish insights. Your humor too.
You have an excellent way of saying the things WE can't put into words, w/o being pompous or conceited.
You are one of us.
Write that book . 2 snaps! This illness needs YOU to be heard- girl. Write that book!
xoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoooxoxoooooooooooooooxxxxxx
Bless you Natasha for taking the time that you do to help people. You certainly help me to understand my bi polar boyfriend. I’ve only been with him for three months but have experienced some difficult times, more to come I imagine but I will do my very best to help and support him. So thank you again for help.
I love this article. I appreciate everything you do for the bp community and I hope you feel better soon.
dearest natasha,
your blog has been a revelation to me. my whole 43 years i’ve been the outcast/freak and wholly misunderstood. but, now i come to see, as a bi-p, i’m totally typical! and you–natasha–have shown me that! (many of your blogs contributors aren’t too shabby, neither!) i’d never wish bi-polar on anyone (i’d never want to be not bi-polar, incidentally), but to know that there are others that really get the nitty-gritty of the beast, those nuances, both the miserable and the sublime,well, it’s a comfort. the phone calls you can’t return, the absolute task of company, knowing the true you scares the crap out of the people you love and who love you….i don’t even try connecting with people anymore. NO! i’m stopping myself now!
evenso
How can i reach out to my boyfriend that shut me out right before he had some kind of anger/depressed episode?I have been patient and giving space but he decided to dump me and I suspect it is because he needs to manage his energy snd thinks I will be too much. He wont see me and suddenly lost “feelings” but he is responsive. When i text him he claims I am bothering him but other times he responds. I told him that i understand he’s in a funk right now and i want to help and not going anywhere. How else can I reach out? Can someone with bp please advise? He wont let me even stop by for a short time to check in.Thank you
Bluebird, you’re in a rough place right now, and as a BP I get where your Boyfriend is coming from, I think. Just as with everyone else, each of us deals with this in our own way.
In my world when I get like this, I really do mean for people to leave me alone. When you’re just trying to check on him, he’s saying don’t do it. And chances are, he means it. Rather than assume he is “in a funk” which he may or may not be, reassure him you’re there for whenever he wants to communicate. Labeling what he is going through makes it sound like he has a problem, which he may or may not have.
Stop trying to communicate or force him to communicate, rather, just text him and tell him you care about him, send him a Hug, and tell him you’re there whenever he needs/wants to contact or communicate.
Continually asking for communication makes it worse, first he may feel guilty for not communicating, and second, chances are it’s making him push you further away. The no energy thing means that it’s taking more energy than he has to respond, hence making the situation worse.
I know it’s very difficult to understand this, but rather than try to understand it, just follow his wishes knowing he just can’t do whatever it is right now, it’s nothing personal, just where he is at the moment.
Thanks for caring so much!
As usual –Brilliant. ”we don’t have the time you do”. OMG -You put it in such perspective- it’s scary.
As you stated=.YOU have it TOO! You write so well many might think that you’re perfectly normal.
(listen-listen-listen to me) it can all be too much.
I read between the lines here and see the ”leg grabbers” for your ear, your time, and attention.
I wasn’t even coming around for a while b/c of the looong posts that didn’t get to the point.
You have a great blog here but we ALL HAVE to think of YOUR feelings and limitations also. We can take advantage and yes, want MORE from you than you have time to give. It’s too bad we all seem to be so uber-needy. Can you afford to collapse? no.
I am so glad I don’t have to work anymore when I read your post–yet I SO envy YOU and your ability to do so.
You just effing perservere with such grace.
Just like the rest of us, as you plan a day or anything that takes effort– only to awake to find out that you can’t!! You have to limit and balance your day and life. You ration it out. I know I do. Like you said-we HAVE to.
I know- I know-I know-how you feel!
I TOTALLY appreciate you and the TIME and EFFORT that you DO give here! THANK YOU THANK YOU-THANK YOU! Keep those personal days or hours.You deserve each one.
We need you here. You’re our soft place to fall. Take advantage of EACH precious day and take time out for YOU. You can’t carry the world. xoxoxoxooxxoxoxoox
Hi Natasha,
What you are saying is so true, I think we look at people who blog and who have mental illness as if they are somehow not as sick as we are, that life is somehow easier for them. Same goes for people who work full time. You do what you have to do to survive. I worked till I almost dropped dead. Th got messed up with prescription drugs that the doc wanted me to take (I didn’t want to take drugs, but I said I’d try). They made me sicker.
You hit the nail on the head about being tired. Tired, tried tired, day in and day out. Form the second I wake to the second I go to bed begging the gods in the sky to take my sorry ass out of here!
Every once in a while I will have a fair amount of energy, but it is not long lived. Most people do not have a CLUE how exhausting MI is.
You are still young Natasha, when you are older say after 50-ish, the exhaustion triples, or I can say it has for me and I am in good physical condition! I burned the candle at both ends, trying to make everyone happy, but did not including me in that “make everyone happy” scenario.
Now as grandmother, I have nothing left to give and every little negative tidbit puts me down another notch. This is the reason I think of death so often. I have nothing left. to give. If I complain about being tired, they tell me that’s cuz I sit around all day. But when I am feeling well, I take long walks, ride my bike, all kinds of high energy things, but these people do not want to acknowledge that.
I am sorry you feel as shitty as the rest of us. I am really sorry. being this tired over a lifetime is just wrong. effing wrong! I want out, but don’t think I could try it again. it takes too much energy.
hang in there Natasha and everyone else out in bipolar cyber land
Natasha, I just want to say that I hope your sleep evens out real soon and the demands on your time and energy do as well. I’m thinking about you and appreciating the hell out of your VERY helpful blogs…
Have a very Happy New Year!
Hi Tabby
Actually I did not say high functioning bipolar ( which ???) don’t see one can ever be
But a rapid cycling bipolar ….
Interestingly,noted you said you’ve seizures so do I temporal lobe ones..plus again,like you,have assorted med & psych issues.
Mostly physical I was born with.
I work from home but yeah,it’s I’m always glued to something technical….when I want a bath so much…..
Anyhow,in my posting I try to not be overly judgemental & critical ( I was brought up perfectionistic)
Everyone’s the same here thru my eyes,except verbal use or any abuse against Natasha personally.
Pisses me off!
In that I am one of your long time mature followers, going on roughly 7 years now, I think + or -…. I get it.
I am also one with Bipolar, plus a few other odd and end mental diagnoses and a seizure disorder – who works FT, 40 + or – hours, out side of the home, each week.
High Functional Bipolar, my ass! It is SO a misnomer and completely undermines the absolute physical and mental energy it takes to just get up each morning.
It is very hard, for me personally… to spend those “quality” hours that are rare on something so very much needed… me. My rare hours tend to be spent on work, at work, for work, for employers or for my daughter who is an adult but living at home, or for my elderly father… and then there are the 2 cats. You get the picture.
I tend to be at the bottom of my own list and in that my “quality” hours are spent on everything and everyone else… by the time I get to me… there is nothing left but dregs. Then, you add in a good handful of shame and guilt, be it justified or personally grabbed.
I do not see you, nor have ever seen you, as Bipolar Super Girl. It is good to be reminded, every so often, that you are a human with a mental illness and less of a advocate for humans with mental illness. I have missed much of your “personal” struggles in this blog, having replaced the core Bipolar Natasha with more of a Informant Natasha of all things Bipolar.
I have much of what others are posting, regarding time. Most frequently, I get a “second wind” around 11pm most nights, and I’m up ’till 3 or 4 am. Then I sleep ’till 9 or 10, and while I’m rested, I’d prefer to get up earlier. Even if I force myself to go to bed earlier, I’ll just lay there while my mind is doing i’ts usual hi-revving of thoughts.
The other thing I get most often is that late in the evening, I find myself trying to recall where I went during the day, even though I usually stay home. There’s just this sense that I’ve been gone for a while, and now i’m back home.
As I re-read what I just wrote, I suppose the “being gone all day” says more than I’d care for.
Natasha, thank you. I feel much the same way, but I err, by far, on the side of doing WAY TOO MUCH for others. Following too many blogs. Reading too many posts. Commenting far too much. I must develop better boundaries. I must learn to say NO. No need to read this, or to respond.
@Kitt–This bothered me. Why? I don’t know how many posts you read, or how many blogs that you follow, but to say that you’re doing WAY TOO MUCH for others, suggests that you really don’t want to help them at all.
–or any more.
So why bother?
No need to respond.
The thing that bothers me most about lack of time is that I constantly feel that I’m not spending my time the right way. If I’m working, I think I should be with my kids. If I take my kids out, I can’t stop thinking about all the work I’m not doing. If I take a nap, I regret that I didn’t stay awake and do something “productive.” If I stay awake to work when I’m tired, I think about how bad I will feel the next day if I don’t get a full night’s sleep. (My bipolar disorder is particularly sensitive to my sleep patterns.) I rarely feel like I’m in the moment, focused on what I’m doing rather than running through my to-do list over and over in the background. The constant undercurrent of guilt makes me want to drop my toys and walk away from everything.
Hi Natasha,I’m sorry you feel unwell.
Though I do agree the more mature ppl that have been on your site will understand your struggles & continue to
come back & also more importantly support you as well…
You can’t be perfect,or superwoman.
Look at the things the average person has to do w/ out writing a blog or speaking in any public event…
Groceries,cleaning,trash/ changing cat litter,making meals,laundry,cleaning bathroom, doing dishes cleaning oven every now / then or daily ( microwave) sweeping floor,cleaning computer screen.. AHHHHHHHH
That’s only the upkeep of a apartment condo or sm townhouse.
Then NATASHA CARE DRS Appts & Prescription repeats on track …as I do)
Plus this BLOG in which looks like most ppl seem respectful but as you’ve pointed out …there were going to be haters & misguided ppl thinking this is like a link to a suicide hot line(??) not good,stressful I’m certain of……
I don’t know a lot re starting a blog but after you answered one like that simply,couldn’t you simply delete the haters or ones that upset you?
Beats seeing them in your face….
I just thought of a blog you did in which you said the most empowering word is …NO….
Ok I’ll be truthful w you,I’ve felt kinda buddy like ( no not BFF or anything I’m talking cyberspace )
As I think u said once you were also rapid cycler….Welcome to the jungle if so..it sux
Really you deserve an OSCAR for what you do!
I for one APPRECIATE YOU.
You’ve helped me,so I SAY THANK YOU FROM MY HEART…YOURS in BIPOLAR CYBERSPACE
Hope things improve…..Sandra.
Thank u Natasha for all u do for others. I am a professional in the Mh field who specializes in Bp, who like you also has bp. I struggle everyday. Some days are better than others. This entry helped me as im laying in bed on this beautiful new year’s day. Sometimes the overwhelm about being there for others wouldn’t be so bad if people just cut me a break. It’s so comforting to know we all can lift each other up!!
Happy New Year Natasha, !! I wish YOU and and ALL we Followers the BEST in 2015 !! Out of our Pain and negativity I Believe that in this next year – each and every one of us will be able to find at LEAST ONE positive change, in our thinking, our behaviour,our actions, or our perceptions that could make larger positive changes in our lives in 2015, I wonder if any of us will be able to dicuss a difference in our lives next year – as a result, :D
Well written Natasha. Mother Theresa once said,’In this life you cannot do great things, you can only do small things with great love.’
Natasha, I haven’t had a long time with you yet, but your blog has had such a positive effect and affect on me that I had to write and say that I UNDERSTAND!! It is all part of the appeal – Thanks for being you.
I have so much respect for you and honor you for what you are doing. You have helped me more than you will ever know.. I wish you peace and that people should respect that peace and your boundaries and your ddealing with the with this disease. I wish I could say more. You are loved.
Michael.
Thank you! There’s enough stress already and there’s only so much energy to go around.
Making good choices about that energy is something I do everyday, and everyday, there’s something I feel guilty about because I couldn’t do it. Appreciate the way you put into words how I feel:) Sorry about those who don’t understand or don’t want to understand even when you put it so clearly in writing.