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I mentioned on Facebook recently that I’m rapid cycling. If I ever wondered if the bipolar diagnosis was accurate, the bipolar cycling moods have certainly convinced me that it is. If you’re curious, this is ultradian cycling — i.e. cycling where moods last only hours. That can also be classified as a mixed mood because the cycles are so short.
All of this is to say that I’m not well right now. It’s fine. I’ve seen my psychiatrist, we have a plan and I’m working the plan. But the plan takes time, as all plans do.
So while the plan portends usefulness, I am stuck on the rollercoaster from hell. And in this particularly hellish place I wrote this piece. It is not cheery, it would trigger some and if you’re having a bad day these are not the 300 words for you. Proceed with caution
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I know this looks like me asking for death. I know this looks like me begging for death. I know this looks like me wailing for death.
And that, of course, is because it is.
I know that when I say, “Please kill me,” I know that when I say, “I want to die,” I know that when I say, “I want this to end,” it looks like I want death to take me right now.
And that, of course, is because I do.
But there’s something else happening in all the asking, begging, wailing and saying: it’s me kicking and screaming against the thing that I know is trying to kill me.
I know that if I let go for a minute, an hour, a second, that thing that chases me, that thing that haunts me, that thing that beleaguers me will catch me and kill me for sure. I know the one minute that I stop asking and begging and screaming and saying is the moment I will take a blade and slit my wrists. I know this is true.
So while I sob and cry and beg and pray for it all to be over, while the pain overtakes me to the point where I know I cannot take it, while I know it looks like I have given up; while I know I would say I have given up; I still know that some tiny part of me, some part of me that I cannot see and cannot feel and cannot find and cannot kill is still, without my permission raging against the infinite night.
I wish it wouldn’t.
I’m thankful it does.
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While I appreciate that some of you may be concerned at thoughts like these, please don’t be. I’m here. I’m fine. Your concerns are appreciated but not required.
Banner image by Itsu and Misak.
Image by salvation in the void.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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I can’t believe the truth in those words. But they are the same I have been dealing with for over 30 years. It is one knock down drag out fight, we just need to keep punching and not let they monster win.
:(
ditto…
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Hey, Natasha, Here’s something that I’ve just noticed — not an original idea, and maybe you’ve already considered it, but here it is in case it might help. There is just “too great a coincidence” that your exacerbated illness and the completion of your book” happened about the same time. I’ve read that sometimes when a person has been working, a labor of love, on a big project – – writing, art, a musical performance, etc — and then the work is completed / over, depression can ensue. You have just completed something wonderful and great, that will mean a lot to many people. Means a lot to me already and I’ve only just started reading it a few minutes after I just bought it.
Hmmm. Now I just googled “depression following a finished project” (without the quotes) and found out this has names — post-project depression; post-event depression; depression after success; post-creation depression; post-achievement depression…that’s just the top of the google list. Each of the sites purports to offer solutions so that a person can recover from this type of depression. One at least refers to the creative process as a “high,” so would make sense to me that after the achievement/creative process high, that a crash would follow. Best wishes for a recovery, Natasha.
Dear Natasha, just checking to see how you are doing. I sure do hope you’re getting some “results” of whatever modes of treatment you are having/getting/doing.
Just bought the Kindle copy of Lost Marbles. I can hardly put it down. “just” more of your great writing, and fine facts and research.
Hi my name is Clare I am 29 years old and have be battle with bipolar for 8 years. All them years I was bipolar but he didn’t know which one. He finally said I was ultra-rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Which is very rare. And I am still not to his text books. I have so much to sare with every one what I have gone thought.
All of us care so deeply for you. I have been in the grips of rapid cycling. Same day. Insane. Same week. Week to week. Like that famous quote from Forrest Gump, “you never know what you’re gonna get. Scary. I never know what I’m going to get when I wake up. I look forward to going to sleep, where I play my hypnosis tapes to help me zone out & calm down. My heart goes out to you. I’m right with you. I’ve been where you are. Been where you are. Thank you for your honesty. Let’s keep that tiny quiet voice alive. I hope in some small way my note reaches you and helps, Iike you helped me.
I’m bipolar 2. I’ve been rapid cycling for as long as I can remember. It is truly hell, and it requires an inner rage to survive. So rage on!
Hi Natasha, Sorry to hear where are you with this right now – I hope you make it through ok!
I’m BP2, and have spent a lot of time on the edge of suicide. I stopped Prozac a little over a month ago (since it had gotten to the point that it wasn’t helping at all), and now I’m taking 1 500mg capsule of the natural supplement TURMERIC CURCUMIN with every meal. (A bottle of 90 caps is about $6 at WalMart). I’ve been amazed at the difference I’ve felt since I started taking it.
(I don’t know if the improvement I’ve felt has come from just the turmeric curcumin or not, but it’s been a pretty dramatic difference. I say that because I started taking some other supplements at the same I started taking turmeric curcumin — including magnesium, guarana (for caffeine/energy), ginseng, lecithin, vitamin B12, vitamin C and vitamin E (some of which I know someone struggling with mania wouldn’t be able to take).
Anyway, just thought I’d mention this, in case you want to give it a try. The study where I first read about it said that turmeric curcumin was almost as effective as Prozac, and that they could even be taken together for greater impact. (I don’t like the Prozac side effects, so I’m glad to be off it.)
TURMERIC CURCUMIN also has a lot of other health benefits, so there’s no downside. If you search Google for turmeric curcumin antidepressant or turmeric curcumin health benefits, you’ll see a number of articles on it.
Hope you feel better – talk to ya’ later :)
I’m glad that hidden part of you fights against that infinite night. Your writing is important to me and your other readers. I used to cycle within hours often or sometimes within a couple of days. It’s tough. Like you, I found writing was a good release valve. It helped me express my frustration and desire to check out but I was afraid to post my writings on my blog. I’m glad you are brave enough to do that. Do your best to eat healthy and get good sleep. My heart goes out to you.
Mother of mine!!! That is one powerfully written piece, exquisite in its rhythm and the potency of the words. Sometimes pain allows us to reach depth that we wouldn’t have know otherwise. Thanks for sharing.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could understand, but I can’t. I am glad for me that I don’t have those feelings, but I am sad for you that you struggle with them.
Get sleep. Get well.