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Currently, there seems to be no sufficient language of insanity. What I mean, is that for those of us who experience highly unusual cognitive states, there is no adequate way of describing them. “Mood disorder,” “hypomania,” “anxiety,” and all those other psychological/psychiatric terms just don’t do it. Insanity needs its own language.
I’m suffering through a major anxiety bout thanks to medication side effects. I told my doctor the anxiety is so bad that it incapacitates me, and I can’t take it. So he says to me, “How does the anxiety feel?”
I hummed and hawed a bit before saying, “It’s like sandpaper is grating on my veins.”
So he says, “How does that work?”
I don’t know. It just does. There are no words or phrases that really describe what severe anxiety feels like. There is no definition for “internally scratchy.” There is no definition for “phone-booth brain with people shouting at me.” There is no definition for “screaming cells.” That’s not my fault. There just aren’t the words I need to describe such an unusual experience. I totally understand why he doesn’t understand but I don’t know how to do any better.
And, of course, it’s not just anxiety that has no words; it’s all the extreme symptoms of mental illness. I have spent 14 years describing bipolar disorder, and yet when put on the spot, it’s still almost impossible for me to describe things accurately and concisely. I wrote a book about bipolar disorder and depression, and yet I feel like there are many more books required before the subject is really explored.
So when asked, “How does hypomania feel?” or “What is anhedonia like?” it really takes thousands and thousands of words to answer the question. And it requires a lot of thought. And planning. And metaphors.
It’s frustrating.
It’s frustrating that I can’t adequately explain mental illness, even though my job is explaining mental illness. How ironic is that?
And I think it’s not my fault. The words haven’t been invented yet. There is no real way to communicate about something that only 4% of people (the percentage of people with serious mental illness) experience. If an experience of insanity were a stubbed toe, I could say that, but the experience of insanity is more like being in a whirling blender, hitting the blades now and then.
So we need new words like “curflumptin” (the state you’re in when you can’t remember things thanks to a medication fog) or “screamy” (what happens internally when a medication is too activating). While I do make words up, I’m a writer; we do things like that (Shakespeare did oodles of it); I’m not a linguist and can’t make up a whole new insanity taxonomy. Plus, you know, it might take a while to catch on.
So that’s unlikely to happen. What I do know is that until we find these new words, these metaphors, these ideas, the difficulty will remain. All people can do is try to be understanding as we flail when trying to explain these insane experiences. And all we can do is try our best to describe our realities. (This may be why visual art works for many. No words are needed.) We should choose the words of others who resonate with us if we can’t find our own. And we should not beat ourselves up if there’s still a gap. We’ll probably fill it, eventually.
Image by Flickr user csullens.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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The reason it is so difficult to describe… is cause it is one’s FEELINGS and well… feelings are one’s feelings that are not necessarily shared with any other and while you feel anxious and it makes you feel “itchy”… another person’s anxiety may make them feel paranoid…
paranoid and itchy are not the same
yet, if you were describing a physical illness… you’d say “nauseated” and well, pretty much everyone in the western hemisphere will know what that feels like
if you say the pain is stabbing…. dido
if you say that you are having stomach cramps and then diarrhea…. dido
with mental illness, psychiatric illness… we are describing our symptoms AS FEELINGS cause that is what they are… emotional mental psychological feelings
and what I’ve also found, in my near 40 years of suffering is: each human’s understanding of being incapacitated is their own understanding and many will judge lesser of another because of it…
your feeling of being incapacitated is judged by the fact that you spoke it and are functional enough to realize and again, moreso to speak it
whereas another’s definition of that emotional feeling is that perhaps you ought be laid out in a fetal position and surely you’d have no way of knowing you are incapacitated because you, as Bipolar, cannot possibly have any insight into your own illness….
yes, i am replying to myself
just a pin-prickly thing: I hate hate hate hate when someone who claims to know my mental illness decides that i cannot possibly have insight into my own illness because i am supposed to be severely mentally ill
see Bipolar, in and of itself, is a Severe and Persistent Mental Illness that whacks one’s mind and emotional sensibilities
but to many, in the know… you are not supposed to be able to, at any given moment, be able to describe your illness and it’s symptoms because you are not supposed to have any logical insight into your own illness… therefore, you are dismissed and/or disregarded or “well, maybe it’s not Bipolar.”
again… feelings and emotions are what we present
know it alls who love to think they do and are to assist and help me but then dismiss me or pet me on my head and insist they know me and what I struggle and have struggled with for over 40 years… better than my own self who has had to live within my own self….
ahem… I shall step off my box now and straighten myself…
One of the things I am proud of is that my therapist has asked me to describe things to her in an effort to help understand her other clients, because she hears,”I don’t know how I feel, I just feel bad” so much. I am one of her clients that IS able to express myself pretty well with regards to saying exactly what manic dysphoria feels like, or rapid cycling. That’s not to say I feel I can describe it fully, or that I have the perfect words to explain to someone who has never felt the feelings I have what it’s like to have mixed mania, or rapid cycling, but I think maybe I’m able to get a little closer than some. I also use a lot of analogy, which I don’t really like, but which people seem to understand better.
….complete ,out of my skin, anxiety and complete, in my skin, inertia at the same time….yes i can relate to the “curflumtin” and “screamy” and then there is the ( my word ) CEMENTING , when it all comes together and weighs you down like wet cement , refusing to either set and cause everything to finally come to a halt which would often be bliss or melt and lose it’s heavyness and make you want to carry on with daily life.
Thanks Natasha….I love the idea of a whole new language, will keep me going for awhile
So simple, yet so true! How can someone accurately communicate their feelings to me in therapy sessions so that I can best understand, relate to, and help them? It would probably be really cool to look at common expressions used across various cultures, generations, and ethnicities. It would probably help professionals a lot!
what does it matter, the soltuion and “Treatment” is always the same: drugs and therapy.
when the antidepressants do nothing, they stick you on antipsychotics.
when those don’t make you docile and pathetic, they try even more antipsychotics
and when those refuse to make you quiet, they threaten you with imprisonment and electrical torture.
the only phrase my madness requires is “you sadistic quacks don’t give a tin damn about quality of life, just that someone is alive. For better ior worse.”
Ditto Mr. Friendly, It is always the same old BS, drugs and therapy. I for one thanks to Natasha’s help am no longer on any pharmaceuticals of any kind, save for blood pressure medicine that I am soon going to give up. Guess what, I like me a lot now. I don’t give a fat rat’s ass what a shrink, a doctor or a therapist thinks. Other folk labelled like me as being chronically emotionally ill I will listen to. However, from this day forward my only job is well being. I am absolutely clear that I am no danger to myself or others. If you are annoyed by my conduct, get lost and that includes police and judges of all kinds in or out of uniform.
Can anyone, who doesn’t have mental illness, understand ? I don’t believe they’re capable unless it happens to them.
Why do we need other people’s understanding ?
Compassion is good enough. I believe most people have compassion for those of us who suffer.
Suffering in the great equalizer, as most human beings will suffer at some point in their lives.
I don’t think compassion is enough. What we need is compassion and empathy being shown. In my experience (others may differ, of course) some of the most compassionate can be the worst! :) The problem is they recognise we are distressed and wish to force their compassion on us when it may not be welcome. … and they won’t give up, putting pressure on us which we cannot handle.
When someone engages with anyone else there is an exchange of emotional energy between them. However, I find when I am experiencing a particularly hard mixed episode/dysphoric hypomania I need every drop of my emotional store for myself. I have nothing to share. At these times I need to be left alone, I need that solitude to help me survive, literally survive, those periods. The problem then arises when someone kind and compassionate observes my distress at such times and wants to help …. just when I need to be left alone! And because they are compassionate, they won’t back off because they want to help! We can ask them nicely but they keep coming back. We can tell them, not so nicely, and the still keep coming back! At such times, it’s better to be dealing with people who don’t ‘give a fig’! But those who are capable of empathy, they are more likely to get it, to understand what I need at these times, ESP., if they’ve been through this kind of thing before.
i like to observe the world of commerce and finance even though i am relatively poor money-wise. i just love financial writing, it’s hard to explain, but it’s one of my things. anyhoo, the language of mental illness runs through the markets like a rushing river. markets are manic, then they’re anxious, then they’re downright depressed. methinks bipolar disorder is a pretty good model for the nasdaq 100.
As you describe it, it sounds like a dysphoric hypomania. Indeed, the description fits what I have experienced, almost the words you have used!
Hi Natasha,
I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal. Fortunately for me, I cannot relate to the medication side effects you described since I have always resisted taking medications for my condition. Once in a while I have taken something to help me sleep but that’s about it. Anyway, I think you have chosen an interesting topic—language. Language is such a interesting human characteristic. Can you imagine if we were like other animals and had no words to properly communicate our feelings and emotions? Do other animals suffer from bipolar disorder? I wonder. Anyway, this topic makes me think of my experience with my daughter who as a toddler had some linguistic developmental delays and who as an adolescent has her own neurological uniqueness that may shed some light on the biology of bipolar disorder.
My daughter who is going on 15 has a genetic/neurodevelopmental disorder known as Williams Syndrome, a.ka. WS or the Happy Syndrome. I have read that this is NOT something hereditary and in case you were wondering I was diagnosed after her. Trust me, I probably would have had no children if I knew something was wrong with me and that it was something I could pass on to my children. Anyway, I was told that her disorder is unrelated to my bipolar but I still think there is something similar about how our brains are wired that perhaps could shed some light on the biology of bipolar. Anyway, as a toddler she was delayed in her language onset and early linguistic development as is typical of toddlers with other syndromes. Up until the age of 5, she did not have any words to express her emotions and feelings and so she gave us and her baby-sitters / teachers a really hard time, usually in the form of tantrums. At times she even became violent, hitting a teacher once and maybe a few more we never heard about. We were worried that she would never learn to speak and that her behavior would never improve but boy were we wrong! Not only did she learn to speak, read and communicate extremely well, like others with her condition she is always in a good mood.
She wakes up happy everyday and is always quick to expresses extreme gratitude for the smallest of gifts, complements or kind gestures. She herself loves to give complements and is always happy to share and show kindness to others. She is extremely sociable (loves parties and loves to dance) and she demonstrates a high level of empathy for others. If she sees that you are looking sad or down she will use her words to try and lift you up. She’s done this with me on several occasions and it doesn’t seem to drain her at all. She loves her daddy and I kid you not, I think her love has saved me. It has allowed me to re-evaluate my own shortcomings and to not give up on my dreams.
I share this because I think I have learned something about language from my daughter that makes me wish I had the right words to more effectively share what I have learned without sounding insensitive or superior to anyone who feels like they are stuck and have no way out. While we may not have all the right words to describe our anxiety or our pain and suffering and our depression, I believe that the words that matter most are the words that lift people up. These are the words that allow us to venture outside our own self and that allow us truly experience the joy of being alive and to connect with others, to have empathy for others and offer them a way out. I don’t want to say that I am over my bipolar but I have definitely found ways to manage it better and the words I use have a lot to do with it.
Is your daughter available for hire, or maybe she might like to marry one of my sons, because we could definitely use someone like her around here to lift the very depressed mood!!! :) :) :) :)
i can recall some of the more horrible drugs, like halopreidol and zyprexa (i called it icepick pills, after the old fashioned ice pick lobotomy) causing me to freak out when someone wold ask “What is wrong.
Hard ot relay how you feel when the drugs you’re stuck on make you numb and lack an internal monologue. Or as the docs put it “working as it should”
I just say excuse me I’ve checked out” or I’m on alternaterate Stream of consciousness
Generally,ppl know to as in the lyrics of the great Stevie Nicks,Stand Back!”
Sorry grammar err should’ve pout in insta or on alternaternative ….
I’m sick,please bear w me,here.
Sandra.
I know insanity were BFFS right now……you actually become strange about it …at first it’s ok.
Yup,knew it.
Accept it.
Then almost like the stages of grieving……you feel SO INCREDIBLY DEPRESSED AS NEVER BEFORE
I don’t even want to talk too much of it in order NOT TO POSSIBLY TRIGGER OTHERS PARTICULARLY YOUNGER PEOPLE THAT MAY VISIT HERE FOR HELP .
So,I’m going to stop writing for awhile…….
Until things calm down,
No I’m very unwell
But I’m not here asking nor pleading sympathy.
I only speak honesty & rawness from my heart / soul
I hope everyone stays well
I do though,
Wish to keep receiving burble emails Natasha,
Hear how You ARE DOING
Sandra.
hI Natasha,
I hope you know how much I love you. The best language you ever gave to me about my emotional illness was to just be logical about it. Language especially psychiatric labels cause me emotional distress. Because no one really knows how I feel emotionally but me. I recently was arrested, thrown into a posey belt, physically injured and hospitalized against my will because I made an appointment with my cardiologist to discuss legal euthanasia. I am smiling while I am writing this. Next Monday I have to go to court to try to repair an unlawful detainer because of it. I am not was not nor ever have been suicidal or homicidal or did I resist arrest, while the police were saying you are not under arrest. I am going to enjoy this, not out of revenge but just to have a day in court that is not in the nut hut, where I had to prove once again that I am no harm to myself or others, I am just emotional and refuse to allow them to judge my well being. I AM REALLY FEELING WELL. Thanks to you and your always thought provoking words.
I like “curflumptin.” It has a ring to it.
Honestly, there really is a need for a term that describes being too anxious to sit still while simultaneously being unable to focus while simultaneously NEEDING in a deep visceral way to do everything at once while simultaneously wanting to wring everyone’s neck including your own, while simultaneously being so deeply sad that no number of tears could ever express it, while simultaneously being incapable of getting up to do any of it – aside from “mixed episode,” which says nothing at all. Yes, my mood is mixed. No, I’m not just having ups and downs, I am screaming at the end of my freaking tether, which is made of bungee cord, and I’m being whipped back and forth at a ridiculous rate of speed.
There just aren’t any words for it.
And you can’t very well *show* people what it’s like. If you try that, it’s usually not a good experience, and ends either in a catastrophic failure of some sort or a trip to the local deluxe facilities for a week.
I hope we all approach the middle ground soon. It’s a much nicer place to be, even if only for a short time.
Well,I simply call it busy brain activity constantly……
I cannot ever achieve true peace….
I feel like I used to yrs (30 to be exact) on coke…..
Or speeding ….
Seems my neurologist gets this much more efficiently than even my psych.
Tests I’ve had thru nuerlogy have shown that my brain IS INDEED VERY ACTIVE
Only slowed down by meds
Actually off topic but my Drs have made the great) sarcastic ) decision to take me OFF ALL MY MEDS!!!
Already I’m off 2- I’m severely depressed can’t get out of bed.
My idiot GP demanded to see me yesterday I REFUSED as I was out of $ & my sister was on holiday.
I totally hold both psych .& GP in complete disrespect.
I know exactly what will happen to me,
If they simply just don’t want to treat me HAVE THE BALLS TO JUST ADMIT IT!!!
Sorry,
I have no voice.
Every time I attempted to speak to either of them,THEY SPOKE LOUDLY OVER ME
I HAVE NEVER EVER STATED IVE NO VOICE NOR I GIVE IN
PLUS TODAY IS MY FRIGGING BIRTHDAY
ALL I GOT WAS 3 SHITTY SHORT EMAILS………meh
Anyone knows NATASHA esp we,as RAPID CYCLERS NEED SOME MEDS!!!!
MEH
Sandra getting sick.
This is a very interesting read and many people suffer from things like this. Mental illness is a very tricky thing when it comes to what your brain feels and communicates to you! Thank you for sharing and giving us a very tricky insight.
Sorry to hear the anxiety bout is still going on. I see a psychiatrically-themed ‘The Meaning of Liff’ in your future…