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Our society encourages people to push their limits, and there is no out for people with mental illness. Our society claims over and over that we must "push the envelope," "take risks," and "do what scares us." There is no societal pressure to "respect your limits" or "live the way you feel comfortable." And maybe that's good for the general population, I can't say, but what I can say is that it's terrible advice for people with mental illness. With serious mental illness, pushing your limits is a mistake.
I don't have anything against pushing your limits, in theory. I have done it many times. Jumping out of a plane, for example, pushes every limit I know. But while I had a mental illness at the time, I wasn't nearly as sick as I am today. Today, I would be emotionally mauled by a skydive. Physically, sure, I could jump out of a plane, deploy the chute, and probably even land with ankles intact, but once I was done, it would affect my mental illness to no end. I suspect it would take a week to recover -- and that's assuming nothing really bad happened. If the skydive caused a mood episode, it's anyone's guess as to how long it would take to recover from that.
Now, maybe it's the case no one would jump out of a plane without the message to "push your limits," and maybe that's okay -- if you don't have a serious mental illness.
If you have a mental illness, pushing your limits is a bad idea. Limits protect people with mental illness. Limits protect people with mental illness from their mental illness. They are extremely important. I know that my own limits relating to bipolar disorder include (but are not limited to):
And make no mistake about it, if I push these limits, my mental illness will get worse. Maintaining a strict sleep schedule is the one that affects me the most and the fastest. If I veer from my schedule, my mood will destabilize within maybe two days. Depending on the severity of the limit-pushing, I might be sick the very next day. I know this. I have lived this. I have learned this the hard way.
I am not the only one, either. People with mental illness have told me over and over that pushing their limits has done everything, from harming them a little to putting them in the hospital. It's a high-stakes game when you have a serious mental illness.
The trouble is, as I said, society values pushing your limits. Society says we should be "living on the edge, or we're taking up too much space." In spite of all the talk about self-care, society still eschews respecting personal limits. We are all supposed to be working 80-hour weeks, "playing hard," and "having it all."
People with mental illness cannot do those things, but that doesn't mean we don't feel the pressure to do them, just like everyone else.
This pressure tends to cause misery because if we bow to it, we get sick, but if we don't, we feel like lazy losers not living up to our potential and missing out on life.
So, understanding that we're expected to push our limits, even with mental illness, and understanding that this pressure is a negative force for most of us, we need to be stronger than this societal message. Surviving mental illness demands that we be strong in a myriad of ways, and this is just one more. We have to be able to stand up to this pressure and for ourselves and state that our health is more important than this adrenaline-fueled, immature notion. We must remember and be clear about the fact that just because other people in this society can live that way, it doesn't mean people with illnesses can do it right alongside them. I suppose it's indicative of the fact that society is simply not built for disabled people. This is obvious. Its full impact on us, though, often isn't.
It's unfair that this is yet another way we must be strong, but it just is. It's just what we must be in order to live our best lives. Because our goal needs to be living our best lives, not the best lives described by a society that doesn't care about us.
P.S. As a quick note, sometimes gently brushing up against your limits is okay. Sometimes gently testing them is okay. This is not the same as the societal message, however, which suggests obliterating them.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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I have PTSD from finding my daughter OVERDOSED in my living room in 2020. She survived but I also found my ex husband hanging in a tree .he had killed himself. I now have my daughter living with me and she’s constantly pushing my mental limits by staying high on meth in my house. And she also has mental illness so it makes it hard on me as her mom to put her out where nowhere to go. So I’m battling a constant chaotic mind set daily. And I don’t know how much more I can take
Hi Natasha, love your blog and feel like someone understands exactly what I feel at times. In a previous article here — https://staging.natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/hard-self-bipolar-functioning/ you talk about being hard on yourself as a necessity to be able to function as a bipolar. I know I have been hard on myself and put myself in uncomfortable situations because I have to, otherwise what else is life for. But in this post, you talk about how it’s better to not push our limits. How could one not push their limits to be hard with themselves? Curious to know what you think!
Take care,
Pranavi
Hi Pranavi,
So, in my opinion, driving yourself hard, even harder than you should, is different than going beyond your limits. So, for example, I might be able to work for three hours. I might find it hard to work for four hours. I might find it almost impossible to work for five hours. I might find I’m a wreck for three days if I work for eight hours. In that case, I may have to be extremely hard on myself to work for five hours, and that’s horrible, but I won’t work for eight because I know that’s an absolute limit for me.
So, what I’m saying is that being hard on yourself is something that can happen before you hit your limit.
Does that make sense?
— Natasha Tracy
Hello Natasha,
I had to learn this powerful lesson being surrounded by family, friends and onlookers that would deliberately alienate me because I was seen as not doing enough. It was as if I was avoiding responsibility. In effect I lost all these people and they refuse to speak to me nowadays. I used to try hard to do more as if it was a personal failing but in the end just decided to tell folk to f**k off. I’ve tried testing my limits but my body has failed me. Tried every way possible to reclaim my health but its been forever in the process. Used to be very fit and active and used to push my body hard but can’t do it anymore. Listen to your body I say. We are not in the same ballpark as those that can meet such a challenge. The only thing running on empty with these people is compassion and acceptance
You’re right, Natasha, so right. When I was perhaps 21 or 22, I read that “motivation can be learned.” I didn’t know that I lacked motivation because I was clinically depressed, except for the half dozen or so times a year when I was an energizer-bunny for a week-10 days. I have spent the past 50+ years trying to push myself to push the limits, and since I’d inevitably fail, the result was more guilt, more feeling like a failure, deeper depression and despair. It’s only in the past few months that I have embraced routine, minimizing my environment and habits, and living quietly with my small (quiet) dog. No more trying to be super real estate agent or hyper anything. I’m just your friendly, helpful, quiet neighbor and grocery store cashier. I lead a quiet life, enjoying my studies on various topics, hopefully a long life that I can enjoy with my children and grandchildren.
Hello Natasha,
I was wondering what your thoughts on pushing yourself to achieve non critical personal goals. For example I would like to learn how to play guitar but so often I don’t feel like doing anything including practicing. For context, I am in therapy and taking meds that have greatly improved my life to the point where I have stable relationships, hold down a job, and I am currently doing well in college. I think by many people’s standards my life is back on track compared to a decade ago when none of these things were happening. So I feel like my depression symptoms have been addressed as much as they are going to be but I still struggle with motivation to do hobbies like playing guitar consistently. Should I try to force myself to do things like that?
Thanks.
Hi DS,
I think there’s a central question that you need to ask yourself: If I force myself to practice, will it harm me?
I suspect that practice in moderation would not, so maybe that’s okay. Too much practice likely will, though, so you’ll want to avoid that.
If it’s not going to harm you and might help, then it’s worth a try. But if you try it and it doesn’t help, then at least you know.
– Natasha Tracy
I still don’t get it
Hi Joe,
What don’t you get?
– Natasha Tracy