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It’s extremely difficult to tell someone you have a mental illness. No one really likes a conversation that’s along the lines, of, “Hi. How’s the family? Did you know I have a possibly fatal, lifelong condition?”
It’s kind of a bummer.
But telling someone you have a mental illness is hard on the person you tell too. It’s not just hard to give the news; it’s hard to receive it. In fact, most people have no idea what to say upon hearing that someone has a mental illness. They may not know anything about the mental illness or only know what the media tells them – that people with mental illnesses are dangerous and scary. And while that may not be accurate, if it’s the only thing the person has ever heard, you can’t really blame them for acting negatively – at least initially.
So if someone tells you they have a mental illness, what should you do?
When the person tells you they have a mental illness, it’s important to get across a few things:
These are simple things. They are just about reinforcing your relationship and that you care about the person. They are about showing the person with the mental illness that the illness has not changed your view of them. They are about showing the person with the mental illness that their worst fear has not come true – you’re not going to abandon them.
You’ll notice that the above conversation doesn’t require that you know anything about mental illness – that’s because mental illness is just like any other illness and you don’t have to be an expert to be a great support.
That being said, if you care about the person with a mental illness, I do recommend you educate yourself on the illness. This takes time; don’t pressure yourself. But take the time to look up some basic information on the disorder so that you know what you’re dealing with. It’s going to help out all the future conversations you have with the person with the mental illness. It will also remove fear – because the unknown is scary, but facts you can deal with.
OK, so you didn’t handle it perfectly when your loved one told you they had a mental illness. Maybe you said the wrong thing, maybe you did the wrong thing, maybe you walked away or maybe you panicked and made a bad joke. That’s OK. No one is perfect. You still have all the time in the world to have the right conversation with the person with the mental illness. Better late than never. Believe me; we appreciate your support even if it wasn’t instantaneous.
In the end, it’s about love and support. You might mess up the words but if you get the sentiment right, it’ll be OK. There is no perfect way of handling this kind of news, after all. In the end, it’s about love, compassion and support. You might mess up the words but if you get the sentiment right, it’ll be OK.
But if there’s one thing I can emphasize it’s asking what the person with the mental illness needs. Because you’re not going to know what that is. The person with the mental illness might not even know. But by asking, you have the best chance to meet an ill person’s needs while they are likely going through a tough time.
And it’s OK to say what your needs are too. Maybe you need to learn more. Maybe you need to hear more about their experience. Maybe you need time. Maybe you need a bit of space while you work things out. These things are OK as long as love, support and compassion are also part of the picture. It’s OK to say, “I love you but I think I need some time to adjust to this news.”
Both of you can walk away, maybe a bit shell-shocked, but with your needs met. Hearing about mental illness isn’t the end of the world, it’s just a bump in the road that you have to adjust to and move forward.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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I am schizophrenic and successfully medicated. I consider this to be just part of my identity. When I am getting
to know someone this should be mentioned. I usually find this is OK and does go well.
Thank you Natasha for the great article. Is depression considered mental illness? I find many people suffering from depression, most of them are not too severe so they never sought professional help. I just feel that almost everyone in the world suffers from some sort of mental illness.
I’ve thought about this a great deal. I do think most people get depressed but in different ways. I have a serious brain chemical depression for which I need medication. It’s part of my bipolar depression. I can be on top of the world, and then the bottom falls out…for no recognizable reason. This depression requires my medication. However, I also feel “depressed” when a friend is very ill or something of the sort takes place. Medication. Won’t. Help me with that. Certainly I am not a mental health professional, but it is what I surmise from research and my psychiatrist. I believe this is why the media tells us that medication is over prescribed. I believe it’s. an easy way out for especially general practitioners. Again, just what I have surmised.
For some the independent dx is a breath of relief for those seeing the behavior. It is like knowing you haven’t lost your mind completely. That is just the beginning though for many families. Some families cannot deal with the dx and so support isn’t an option. The newly dx’d is almost on their own. They may have only friends (if they have any) or internet sites for support. There are some good places but family support (as much as they are able to give) is more valuable. How do you reconcile that when you feel you need them in your life?
For some the independent dx is a breath of relief for those seeing the behavior. It is like knowing you haven’t lost your mind completely. That is just the beginning though for many families. Some families cannot deal with the dx and so support isn’t an option. The newly dx’d is almost on their own. They may have only friends (if they have any) or internet sites for support. There are some good places but family support (as much as they are able to give) is more valuable.
Hi Debra,
Well, I wouldn’t say that family support is “better” I would just say that it’s ideal. It’s important to remember that people without family support can be every bit as successful in treatment as those who are lucky enough to have it. I wouldn’t want people to think that they couldn’t do well in treatment simply because their family is, well, weak. Friends can be great as can others like support groups.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
What an empathetic article. I’m a Clinical Psychologist and so often I see family members go into denial when they hear about the mental illness of their loved one. Not their fault. Most of them don’t know how to react. Your advice is simple, easy to understand and very practical. Kudos!
I run an online psychological help network to provide free counseling to those who cannot afford or access it easily. We always invite guest writers who write on mental health such as yourself. Would you like to guest blog for us? You can visit http://www.hopenetwork.in and take a look at what we do. We’d love to have a contribution from you!
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Prachi.
Hi Prachi,
Well thank-you.
Congratulations on doing what you do and providing important services to people. I admire and respect that.
Unfortunately, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to contribute. I’m sorry, it’s just that I make my living writing and I rarely have time to write articles for free. I won’t rule it out completely, but I get a lot of requests.
I do support your service though so connect with me on Twitter and Facebook so I can support you there. (See links on the upper-right.)
– Natasha Tracy
Six years ago, when my son mustered the courage to tell me he had OCD, I replied, “Are you sure? You never even wash your hands!” Put that on the list of the wrong way to react! But I was shocked, and ignorant at the time.
Your advice is just perfect. I immediately began educating myself about OCD. How could I not? One of the people I love most in this world was suffering from it. And throughout Dan’s ordeal, I may not have always said or done the right thing, but he always knew I was there to love and support him, no matter what. To him, I think that really mattered.
Hi Janet,
Yes, that’s not the best reaction :)
But kudos for getting over your initial reaction and educating yourself. Many people would get stuck in their first opinion and not do that, so good for you. And, of course, your love is _always_ the right message.
– Natasha Tracy
Your writing is superb Natasha – honest, insightful, educational and so mucn more. If only leaflets containing such as the above post were available in outpatient departments and doctors surgeries (for anyone to pick up and read) I am certain there would be a better understanding of mental ill-health which hopefully might erode the stigma bit by bit.
Anna :o]
Hi Anna,
Thank-you! Maybe that can be a long-term goal for me, because yes, I agree with you, more honest and forthright writing would help many.
(I am writing a book on ECT that I hope will do just that.)
– Natasha Tracy
Acknowledgement –
Compassion –
Questioning and non-judgement –
Love –
Support – … the advice to give these things applies in so many scenarios, not just mental illness. Whenever we are going through something hard for us that is also hard for the other person to grasp, ESPECIALLY when there’s misunderstanding and stigmas.
BTW, Natasha, I’ve sent a few messages over the past few months asking a small favor: Can you e-mail me with an answer? I’ve tried to get in touch with the Healthy Place Editor for a VERY long time and noone returns my calls or e-mails. Can you give me a numberer e-mail? I am a 25-year writer, mainly health care, dx with bipolar disorder as was my daughter. I want to be considered to write for them REmember me? I wrote “My Ugly Dance” for you??/
Hi Rachel,
I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. You’ll hear from me today, I promise :)
– Natasha
Good article it is hard for all when it isn’t something that you can physically see even the one who has the illness can take time to adjust to it.
The one thing for me personally when you said about the worst fear of being abandoned, it is an ingrain feeling within myself and sometimes that fear feels so real that you can just expect that to happen. Thus you tend to push people away. They hardest part from my personal experience is to be able to recognise that I am responsible for my own actions and not to let my deep seeded fear ruin my life.
so yeah it is hard for people not to fear someone with a mental illness but also hard for someone with a mental illness not to fear there own judgement sometimes.
Ok not sure if that made sense at all but I knew what I was talking about. I am in the process of this all currently searching for ways for me to handle it all. Also to make others trust that I can get better too and life does get better.
I am actually in a mental hospital now all ok just being monitored for a few days and like I said doing a bit of soul searching of myself and ways to cope and plan.
Thank you have enjoyed reading your.older posts had a few.momenta of clarity within them
Hi Travis,
Thanks for your comment. I agree with you, fear of abandonment is very real, very common and can make us do unfortunate things. But you’re doing the right thing – you’re looking at your actions, you’re taking responsibility and you’re looking at how you can best handle your own life. That’s going to make things better for you and those around you.
(I knew what you were talking about too.)
I’m glad if I could add to your clarity. Good luck in your treatment and drop by any time.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you Natasha for writing about this. It is so helpful because I can show my loved ones this blog to help them understand how they can support me rather then try to explain it myself. Yet another very productive article. Thanks again!
Hi Patricia,
Happy to help. When people tell me they think my writing is good enough to give to others, it really makes me smile. Thanks.
– Natasha Tracy