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Last week I tattooed over my suicide attempt scars. This isn’t because I wanted to cover every scar on my body – quite frankly, I have tens of self-harm scars – this is for other reasons. Covering specifically my suicide attempt scars with a tattoo is symbolic. I consider it positive and I hope its permanency will remind me of its positivity for the rest of my life.
My suicide attempt scars aren’t that big. The specifics of the attempt are why, but aren’t worth discussing right now. Nevertheless, every time I looked at my left wrist, I would see them and be reminded of exactly what I did to get them. Their size was not the problem, their strength was. Because, truth be told, I have much nastier scars on my arms and I’ve chosen not to cover those. (I’ve chosen to crop them out of the below pictures as well. This isn’t because I’m ashamed – I’m not – it’s because other people would have a fit about me “triggering” other people. This, of course, is not the intent.)
I’ve been thinking about this particular tattoo for years. It’s actually my third. I have an ankle tattoo and a stunning back piece of a Tamara de Lempicka painting. Those have their own meanings. But this one is about life and death. Perhaps the weightiest subjects of them all.
A chose a rose to tattoo over my suicide scars because it’s a universal sign of beauty. It’s a symbol of taking something horrific like a suicide attempt and transforming it into something beautiful.
The red coloring in the rose wasn’t originally part of the plan, but, in the end, I added it to represent the blood, bloodletting, death and life. Blood is scary and sexy and the giver – or taker – of life.
And, of course, roses, while beautiful are full of nasty, spiky thorns, much like life itself.
I’m not ashamed of my suicide attempt scars. They represent the harshest most horrendous of times but they also represent me not succumbing to those times. True, the fact that I didn’t die during my suicide attempt was due to many factors, but at least one of those factors was me.
I do not believe that these scars, which are, essentially, evidence of an illness, should be shameful. Suicide scars are there because of mental illnesses symptoms. They are like heart surgery scars. You wouldn’t expect someone who had undergone heart surgery to be embarrassed about his or her scars, and we shouldn’t be ashamed of ours either.
And Yet I Tattooed Over My Suicide Attempt ScarsThis is all to say that while I chose a very meaningful tattoo for me to cover my suicide attempt scars, I’m not saying everyone should run out and do that. People have different relationships with their scars and sometimes having them visible is better.
But, for me, I want to transform my life-threatening moment into something beautiful. And I want to be reminded of this beauty and of my survival every day.
[For anyone who’s curious, the piece took about 1.75 hours and hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. The inner wrist is a hugely painful place for a tattoo, and I have a high pain tolerance. I don’t recommend it.]
Banner image by Generation Ink: The Underground History of Tattoos.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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Your post really resonated with me and is quite remarkable to my own story. I also tattooed over my self-harm and suicide-attempt scars. I chose a white carnation because they symbolize love and I have the word “self-love” written underneath. I did it to remind myself to always love myself and never harm me again.
Thank you for your honest post.
Hi Natasha,
I am inspired by your courage. I just discovered your blog recently. I have struggled with many mental illness diagnoses. I think this a beautiful way to express yourself. Thank you for putting yourself out there.
Natasha your muscles may be constricted from the bipolar, the pain gets displaced onto the soma. Our bodies carry our pain and our musculature absorbs it. There is deep tissue therapy which irons it all out of the muscles. I had zenbodytherapy a form of deep tissue massage but it was so vigorous that I had to stop, my body was releasing so much pain that it overwhelmed me. I found out later you can DIY at your own pace using self myofascial release. Many people into fitness use foam rollers as a form of deep tissue DIY therapy. You see them at gyms. A foam roller is a dense long tube that you can buy from chiropractors on ebay or from the sports section at k-mart. You use your body weight to roll over muscles using the roller to release constriction and allow for greater rotation and mobility in your limbs and body. I will warn you – it bloody hurts!!! But it will release emotional pain held in the body. Go to JCD Fitness which is online and download their free DIY myofascial release manual I think its called that (or you could enquire). It tells you how to release at your own pace. Just begin with one part of the body and build up. Its also like a form of “psychotherapy” because the soma is a map of the soul. We have separated the mind from the body with Freud and other philosophic approaches and we now know the mind is now IN the body not just the brain. Many athletes use deep tissue or myofascial release to increase their range of motion. I had to do it as my body hurt and it was one of the reasons I did not stick to exercise routine – now I literally walk everywhere with no rigidity no tightness and complete freedom of movement. JOYOUS! Please check if you have health contraindications you may not be able to do it but foam rolling or deep tissue is so liberating. You will come to love exercise. I used to hate it for the same reason! But walking is so wonderful. I am not stiff or achey anymore and look forward to walking around the block. Its my constitutional and is a regular habit with no daunting feeling attached to it. You may just be constricted in your musculature, thats all. After you have done a bit of releasing you will look forward to the occasional foam rolling as a form of energetic letting-go. Its cheaper than a cup of coffee and your body just allows for that negative energetic make-up to be released. In fact I’m going to do it now. Love your articles Natasha keep them coming I love your writing style you are an amazing writer and do so much for us. THANK-YOU
Great looking!
I have a large semicolon in that spot and a mental health ribbon above that. All of my self-harm scars are on my upper legs where they can’t be seen, even with shorts on, I didn’t want anyone to see them.
Keep up the great work!
Excellent!
Personally, I don’t get excited by tattoos so shan’t follow the example, but I like the way you’ve turned them into a reminder of success, of success in having survived. That’s why I like the label “bipolar survivor” because surviving bipolar disorder, where many others have not, is something to celebrate, something that we should proclaim to ourselves with a pat on the back. “Well done, me! I beat it this time.” And we might use it to commend fellow BP survivors. So, well played, “Natasha” – you’re doing brilliantly in keeping the damned BP from overhauling you. You serve as an excellent role model to the rest of us … Oh, that does rather put an obligation on you to keep going!
You can’t back out now! <<<>>>