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Do the laundry, wash the dishes, and don't kill yourself -- those are on my to-do list. That last one is on my daily to-do list. (Yes, I realize it's more like a to-don't item, but allow me some latitude, if you would.) Yes, I have to remind myself every day not to die. I put it on lists. I remind myself of it in blog posts, and I say the words to myself almost as a mantra — "no kill, no die." Let's talk about why I need to do that and how I can not kill myself every day despite the desire to do so.
Of all the things I do today, not killing myself is the most important. After all, if I don't accomplish that one thing, nothing else matters. It's the same for everyone; however, most people don't need to think about it on a daily basis. So Why do I have to put "don't kill yourself" on my daily to-do list?
I've been depressed for longer than I care to admit, and this has brought with it varying levels of suicidality. Some days, when acutely depressed, killing myself is the only thing I can think of. On other days, killing myself just feels like a default position. On still other days, it lingers in the back of my brain like an option, just ready to pounce if things don't go well.
In short, the idea of killing myself is in my brain all the time in one way or another. It feels like an obsession that I don't want and didn't ask for. And if you're obsessed with something, how do you ignore it? How do you go ahead and not go through with it day after day after day? That is so much harder than you think. While every organism wants to live, most people do give in to their obsessions in the end. This is why "don't kill yourself" literally has to be on my daily to-do list.
I know it sounds trite to put something so important on a to-do list, but it has been working for me. I admit I'm a lover of lists and putting "don't kill yourself" on my to-do list gives me something to cross off every night. And crossing it off is essential because not dying is a feat some days. Some days, suicide has felt like a foregone conclusion, and not acting on it has been miraculous. But my to-do list helps. It's a tangible thing that reminds me every day that living is my goal — some days, my only goal. And believe it or not, sometimes crossing something off a list is a reward that feels better than living does. Living sometimes feels like shit.
(If you don't like lists, putting your goal on a sticky note and putting it on your bathroom mirror might give you the reminder you need throughout the day, but honestly, I think a list is better.)
So, if you're struggling with suicidality, if that is what you see behind your eyes every time you blink, I understand. I have been there. My urges have been hellaciously strong at times. But take a page out of my book and externalize your goal not to die — do it even if you feel like you don't believe it. It can give you something to cling to in a very slippery world.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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If you are feeling suicidal and suffer from suicidal ideation 24×7, I’ll be happy to send you a free copy of my paperback, ebook or audiobook, “Don’t Kill Yourself…Yet: Unleash the Seven Life Hacks to Crush Depression and Anxiety NOW!”
Just send a message to me at the7lifehacksATgmail.com.
I still use these hacks everyday with consistently good results.
Not selling anything, here, just trying to lend a hand!
This is on my mind a lot more than I would like to admit. I feel you. I really do. This blog post described it so well and how I feel every day. I was diagnosed with bipolar 17 years ago and even before I was diagnosed, I felt like this. When I found out that these thoughts weren’t normal (whatever normal is) I knew there was something wrong with me. Now I take it one day at a time. I know they are still there but like you said in your post you have to put it on your to do list and follow it. Thanks for the great post. It definitely made me feel like I am not alone. That is why I opened my own blog to help others know that they are not alone in this fight through mental illness. Keep up the amazing work.
I relate to this so much. I always have to put don’t kill myself on my daily to do list. It feels like suicide is constantly taunting me. As if it’s like a magnet. Pulling me in its’ direction. Thank you for this post. Appreciate you.
https://thoughtswithn.com
Hi Natasha,
(Great name!)
You’re very welcome. I’m sorry you feel this way too.
— Natasha Tracy
I do relate because,I want to kill myself often as well. Especially now because I’m grieving my loved one and it is so hard.
My heart is broken and I’m lost to.
I’ve thought of killing myself, throughout my life. I’ve attempted several times to, in the past. Obviously, I wasn’t successful otherwise I wouldn’t still be here today.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar at the age of 24 and I’m 60 years old now. My life has been difficult so, I do know what people with Bipolar, go through as well.
Sharon Felts
Great advice!!! Thank you !
Hi Cookie,
Thanks :)
— Natasha Tracy