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Often people with bipolar disorder, depression and other mental illnesses feel suicidal. And people often feel suicidal knowing that they aren’t, actually, going to commit suicide. And while the knowledge that you likely aren’t going to commit suicide might be comforting to some, it sure doesn’t make feeling suicidal any more fun.
And starting to feel suicidal can begin with little things like feeling crushing depression, unstoppable loneliness or indeed feeling nothing at all. People have different cycles that lead to feeling suicidal. Regardless though, when you start to feel like you want off the planet, there are some things you can do.
Resisting Suicidal UrgesAnd while I’m not really the rah, rah, yay life kind of gal, I do suggest that there are many reasons for each one of us to live and to fight and I believe that every living being on the planet has a drive to stay here. If they didn’t you wouldn’t be reading this right now. So sometimes when you’re not feeling suicidal, maybe you could make a list of all the reasons you do want to stay alive so that list is there for you when you feel suicidal. It’s a personal list and I can’t tell you what will be on yours but remember this – you touch more people than you could ever know and your life matters.
And remember that the part of you that’s telling you to commit suicide is your illness – it’s not you. Your illness is lying to you and making you believe you want to die but you are resisting it right now by reading this. You tell the dark lies to stop. Tell the illness that you don’t believe it. Because you really don’t. You really believe that it’s going to get better and that’s because it is.
Note: I know some people object to the term “commit suicide.” I’m sorry, but that’s the term people use and search for in Google and as people need to be able to find my content, it is the term I will use.
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker, advocate, and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 26 years and has written more than 2000 articles on the subject.
Find more of Natasha’s work in her acclaimed book: "Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar" on Amazon.
Connect with Natasha at the social media links below.
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Thank you for this brilliant website. I have strong suicidal feelings and have to manage hour by hour sometimes. It took me a long time to reach out for help, even after two attempts. Please everyone, if you can get some help if you feel like this do so. I find thinking of my family a great help and how they would have wished they could have helped. It is not our fault we sometimes feel like this. Reach out, shout loud. I don’t want to lose you, nether does your mother,father,sister,brother,lover. Once you have opened up a weight is lifted and you will find you are not so frighteningly alone. Peace and Love…Sam
thank you for this. it really helped. you taking the time to write this out for people in a dark time is what helped, specifically, that you care. i am touched by your kindness
Hi, Natasha,
I had a bought with self-destructive thoughts week before last, after I had convinced myself that depression had crawled back into it’s cave or wherever the hell it goes. When I realized what was going on this time, I was able to do as you said and realize that depression is lying to me. It isn’t me and isn’t the person I want to be. In my foggy state I was able to call the doctor and communicate my thoughts to him. We formulated a treatment plan.
Thanks for enumerating concrete steps to help with suicidal thoughts. Sometimes they seem to pop up out of the blue.
Hi Kathryn,
I agree, sometimes they do. I’m so glad that worked for you :)
– Natasha Tracy
But what if you have these thoughts everyday? I can’t talk to someone everyday, it would drain them or they would become numb to my thoughts. I hate that I have depression and these thoughts but I don’t want to drag someone down with me. Please, I’m desperate.
Wrote unpublished book; Attack Of The Voices Thoughts And Emotions. The attacks were very devastating .The lifespan always disappeared for a few days then would return. I am going to attempt to start a web page . All I know is what I’ve been thru and survived and now have like totally defeated. Been thru anything and everything mental illness owns, plus all crazy owns . Guess I was just created peaceful calm and cool.
I’m 49 years old..I’m a sister.. A daughter… A mother …and most of all a grandmother… I have a fiance…who will probably never marry me…children who would rather see me dead…a grandson who barely knows me anymore… And a father who I’ve always been closer than close with but is repulsed at the sight of me… A mother who truly loves me but is sick herself and blames me for her terrible life and says she hates me then calls to say she loves me… And a mentally retarded sister who loves and hates me…I’m bipolar but choose not to take my meds cuz they make me feel more messed up than I do on a regular basis… I’ve overdosed twice…was brought back from the dead both times… I swore I would never do it again… Yet here I am… The thought that’s going thru my mind right now is that I haven’t been able to help myself so maybe my being so messed up Will help you…. I love the people I’ve mentioned so much n that’s the only reason I’m still here… I’ve read some of the posts n I’m so sad that there are so many people out there that feel the way I do….I just had a bad episode… They’re getting worse n a lot more frequent… I’m not here to ask anyone for help nor do I care about the way some people might frown on me… I’m a burden n a bother to everyone I love… I don’t want to be this to any of them anymore… I don’t want to breath anymore… I don’t want to see tomorrow… I wish I were never born… The only reason I am still here is because even dead I feel I will miss them n even further hurt them.. I’ve wanted to die pretty much since the day I was born… Most people.. Normal people.. Will do anything they can to live… I’ve spent my whole life wanting to die… I know in my heart that the next time… The third time… No one will be around to find me to bring me back…. The final time…. I’ve become somewhat numb.. N that scares me…Even in a room full of people I’m alone…. When I’m with my fiance I don’t want to touch him cuz I don’t deserve him….not to mention that I don’t think he wants me to touch him… I try to tell myself it’s my sickness but what it really is is my feeling unworthy of love or happiness…. When I’m feeling good on a very rare day I’m waiting to have that bad feeling again…. I’m tired n I think everyone is tired of me….I just want to cease to exist… I just want to lie down n close my eyes for that final bliss… I don’t see me ever feeling any different or better than I do right now..,. N I don’t know how much longer I will be able to stand feeling like this….
I have no support mechanism, I am on my own working in China, I really see no way out
Hi Natasha
My name is Angie I have bipolar and
Had 2 alcoholic parents I had a teen
Pregnancy and now have two kids
Different dads I have a severe gambling
Problem and just had an episode I’m in
The process of loosing my boyfriend of
11 years because he can’t handle it
No more I hate myself everyday and can’t
Live like this please help I don’t know why
I’m here I wish god would be merciful and
Let me just keep my eyes closed forever
Hi, I’m a transgender teen who really needs posts like these. My parents tell me that I’m to young to experience thoughts of suicides as I am ‘to young’. I have been restricted in the fact that I am not able to go to a mental health clinic or even my GP yet I have got something akin to gender dysphoria, as I said suicidal thoughts and I also have a few other problems. I wish I had the power to do something other then being left to the thoughts I constantly have.
This blog has helped me a lot, I’m bipolar and don’t take meds anymore ( honestly I’m scared to, because of watching my sister switching from meds to meds, getting worse and worse)
I’ve been fortunate enough to control the depression and sucidal thoughts. ( last month was the worst depression I’ve had yet….I felt like I wouldn’t get through it…. That’s when I found this site and realized I’m not worthless for feeling that way I was, reading so many of your stories gave me the encouragement to get through it.
I’ve tried reaching out to my husband when I’m feeling sucidal, but he gets so angry at me for feeling that way.
This site and reading what others post has helped me to feel like I’m not so alone in the world.
Maybe one day, I’ll find the courage to get back on meds, I’ve made appointments, only to panic and call back to cancel them. Thank you all so much
I feel suicidal 24/7 I SINCERELY do not like nor trust
Therapist I do not believe in taking psychological
medications they destroy the liver kidneys ETC!!!
The side affects are far to Dangerous to even try
I Honestly believe all you Therapists are just out there
To make a Hefty Buck at our Expense!!! No Two ways
About it just Seeking a Very Brutal way To die ASAP
I trust nobody not even myself!!!
Anthony,obviously your not thinking straight. You would not be here if you were not looking for help. Not to mention when you want to die,you do not announce it to the world. Yeah I feel your pain,been there myself several times. Even tried a few times. Since you want to die anyways,why are you worried about them taking your money? Why are you worried about your organs you will never use anyways?You sound delusional,and honestly I think you need professional help. Honestly I have talked to many suicidal people,and am so myself. Trust me Anthony,your brain is not working right. It is likely a chemical issue,your paranoid. Let them help you please,you have nothing to lose friend. Possibly a life to gain.
hey ed hows about u piss off u troll u clearly have no idea so take ur dreck elsewhere theres a good lad ;) bye now
so hurt inside. I don’t no how to fix mylife.. I stay positive for the most part( well at least wen I speak to others) taking my own advice seems ti be hard to do…. I believe anything u can see yourself doing is a possibility.. I see my self as a entertainer, a actors, a singer-songwriter….. I see people cheering for me loving me screaming my name as Ising llyrics to a song that I wrote.. I see me in a blockbuster movie, or on stage singing along side tyler Perry….. I can and I well on day.. my dreams is as big as anybody’s…… I don’t want to stop….. I wanna keep trying til I die….. cu
I think you saved my life today.
lololol Your advice for suicidal people is “1. Stop thinking about suicide.”
That is the dumbest thing I have ever read. GEE WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT.
It is not exactly what was said,although I can see you taking it in that simplistic view.I am also sure you like have some of these thoughts youself,since you are in fact posting here.I am sorry you are having struggles and no doubt are frustrated and angry with life.
To be honest negative thinking is life’s worst nightmare,and allows us to stand in our own way.I grew up to a negative father that came from a negative father and likely his father before him.My dad is a great man,but like many in my family he can destroy those around him.Not only that but being negative can also destroy yourself.I fought and tried to be a good person my entire life.Not realizing I was still overly negative and destroying myself and others I loved.
I only ask you to open your mind and try and see the positives in life.In this case it is as simple as someone making the effort to try and make a difference.Yes they are human and unfortunately do not have all the answers.But you may find life worth living,when you look at it from the right perspective.Still unfortunately working on that myself.Best of luck,and hope your doing ok.
Hi..
Ive been so low for over a year now,…ive been taking mirtazapine, for 3 months…
Ive no strength left…i just want to leave this world…Ive been told i Will feel better..
With or without tablets it remains the same,…Ive told doctors aand family but they dont realise i have no strength left…i cannot do any more days of living my life…tried to be strong,..but cant see a future ahead,…every second that passes feels like an hour
Having issues myself lately,and finding it hard to find my own reasons.Was with a woman for the last 5 months,that seems to love every other man on earth.Yet I am too real for her,so she can’t love me….go figure.Even when I do things right,my life never goes right.I guess there is comfort in numbers,and knowing your not alone.Wish I could be more encouraging,but I am runing out of gas myself.It just seems like no one on earth would miss me or notice anyways.
But believe me it only takes one positive turn,if you can get lucky and find someone that can make a difference.I am personaly at the point where I would rather feel nothing.Then to go through it again.Plus we need to learn to stand on our own anyways.It may not be a full life,full of smiles and wondedrful dreams.But at least it is not full of non stop disapointment,and reasuance that you mean nothing.
This lasts months have been so hard, trying to keep up floating, I know I really don’t want to die, never had. But I know I can’t continue either, I don’t know what to do, I have work, I usually am such a highly functional person, and I just can’t anymore, can’t even move my legs. I really have fought this, but I’m in the moment you can’t anymore. And then what do you do? I even move from state, trying a fresh start. In all the despair I’ve tried to reach as much help as I can by phone, and there’s no one, ja, funny thing right? I feel is like destiny saying you don’t deserve it, stop bothering. I’m afraid I will stop moving again, talking, just spending days and nights in my bed watching the walls ’cause I can’t live nor die.
what do you do when you did your best, and just can’t anymore?
Sorry your having a rough go Drella.First thing that I would like to point out,is that your feelings are normal.That everyone goes through these feelings,it is just that yours are more severe and hard to escape from.Many people with mental illness,use words like I am fucked.(pleases excuse my language) They do not realize that everything is usualy only exagerated,and hard to escape.Say you are a little sad,and someone wants to do something you enjoy.This news can lift you,and you can then have a great day.Where if your extremely sad,you will not want to go,and will not even enjoy it if you do.So the good news is your normal,your just more extreme for one of many possible reasons.Knowing this can make you feel more sane,and make you better able to see that there is a way out.
I would love to hear your story,and understand better what got you to this point.Also whether it has been a life long battle,or whether something triggered it during the course of your life.There are many things that can cripple us,and depression is only one of them.Although we tend to clump it all into one category.But anger and frustration,true depression,or just feeling like your useless or there is no point to life.Are some of the common reasons that I have struggled with myself.But they are all unique issues,and it is not healthy to not treat them as such.I have also striggled with a mind that gets fixated and will not shut down.Something that has always helped me is helping others.As it would remove my issues,and allow me to feel good by helping at the same time.Odd a person with so many issues can help,and it also helps them.
Other then that my main suggestion,is you are not alone.You may feel like it,and do not wish to be a burden to others,But try and keep in mind,that no one can love you..unless you give them the chance to do so.We are all so fixated on giving rather then recieving,and fail to realize that taking is part of giving.That doing so,allows someone else something they need in life.If you ever want to talk,or just need someone to listen.I would be glad to hear your story.And I am proud of you for reaching out.
Thanks so much for your words, :)
It lifted my day,to see your positive response.I am glad my words seem to have helped you in someway.Again do not feel shy,if you could use a sounding board.I am even fine talking in private if you wish.I have lots of spare time these days.If I do not hear from you,I will hope my words of encouragement,help you get things pointed in the right direction.
I’d love to, just dunno how
p4ati9800gmail.com,sure you can figure out where to put the @ lmao.I left it out because they often do not allow such things on websites.Fell free to hit me up,Gmail also has chat.
Natasha,
Great topic. Lately I have been feeling depressed more than manic. I will take hypomania over depression anyday. I often feel hollow and confused about my identity. I have coped with (still am) with tfree or four personal traumas this year and understand that my reserves are gone but it isn’t acceptable Who is going to be all to my 17 year old brilliant, courageous, mentally ill son (stable right now) who lived a nightmare for several months . Yeah, mother and son both suicidal. Brutal sadness overcame us one night and were standing in the kitchen sobbing and holding each other up. My sorta boyfriend was watching and listening to me, all falling apart while reassuring my boy that we would both be okay. We are survivors. Even my guy, who doesn’t have much empathy broke down too. I often feel suicidal which terrifies me as if that thought, that urge, is it’s own entity and has power over me. Thanks for sharing your tools and reminding me of the help I can give myself. I love to help others with their symptoms in my personal life and pursued a career helping the sickest manage there lives. It is like an addiction to me. My love/hate relationship with adrenelin.
To know that there are so many others fighting the fight helps me to cope and be proactive instead of surrendering. It’s strange but mental illness in one way or another has been significant in my life forever. I am not religious but as much as it has taken from me or others in my life it has also given me the compassion, empathy, knowledge, and experience to help others. What a freak I am. I can be standing in line at the grocery store next to someone and it is like a beam of light shines on them (not literally!) and I know they have some turmoil or pain they are holding in. So I risk them maybe running from me for being so “direct” and start a conversation. I go from Hi! to “Spill your guts” in notime. I have had some very “that was so cool” experiences that way. Okay just one more indulgence off the topic. I was checking out at Target and somehow the checker and I were talking about jobs and surprisingly talk of mental illness popped up, ha, and I was telling her about my time working at mental health. There was a was a woman behind me listening. She looked and dressed like a more mature June Cleaver. She asked if I knew anything about ADHD and I said yeah, not enthusiastically, then she asked about Bipolar. Oh, hello. I could say, “oh yeah,” with confidence. She gave me her phone number and I called that night. The Bipolar one was her boyfriend and she was having difficulty due to his behavior. She described his behavior which sounded more like a man being verbally abusive and intimidating to this woman who felt obligated to the mean man because he was holding up the Bipolar card. I ended up E-mailing her resources for Bipolar facts and support, and, in this case, more impotantly how to identify verbal abuse and anything I could find to help her see that she was being victimized and was his verbal punching bag.
Wow. Once again got a off track and had to tell a story. I always think I have to share these off-the-wall but meaningfull to me. That is the “love writing” thing. Actually, the last time I wrote I must have sounded really crazy, even for you, and you suggested therapy.I laugh at myself as I wtite this. You were right on about therapy. I have had a lot through the years and it got to the point where I was having cool insights out loud and that therapist asked why I needed him. Well, the crazy thing. I can’t fucking be myself all alone…
I wish you all peace of mind.
Laurie
I
h
Hi Laurie,
Thanks for sharing. Well, when I make a suggestion, I can only judge it based on what people say, which, of course, is just a tiny bit about themselves, so if you don’t identify with it, that’s completely OK.
And for the record, I don’t think you sound crazy, I just think you sound a bit fragmented and confused, and we all get that way (crazy or not) from time to time.
Thanks for your comment.
– Natasha Tracy
Sanity is in itself a interesting subject. The deeper you look,and the more question you ask the less sane you feel. Self improvement is a wonderful thing,yet it can change into something horrible.I know Laurie somewhat,and can relate to most of her thoughts.Yes sometimes that scares me lol. She is very brave,noble and giving by nature.Things that also made me who I am,yet also destroyed who I am.It is hard to pick up the pieces,and figure out what is worth saving and what put you in what feels like hell.Unfortunately no one truly has the answers,and in all honesty I believe you just need to be true to yourself.That when you can find that,you will in fact find inner peace.Yet with all the shattered pieces on the ground,you can only cry at the fact that you can’t put the pieces back together.
Hi Natasha,
For me the thought of suicide is euphoic. I float on a cloud and see the world without my existance. It doesn’t scare me and my plan is easy. I have enough meds in my house to stock a pharmacy. When things go wrong I don’t overreact I just imagine myself lying on my bed with the sun shining through and falling asleep.
What stops me? The thought of how devastating it would be for my loved ones. It also helps to ask your really close friends what they would miss about you. I adopted to large dogs who rely on me for everything. It frightens me to think of what might happen to them if I wasn’t around. I know that last on is a little strange but it’s what works for me.
If you are contemplating suicide just know that you are not alone. You have to get honest with yourself and reach out to people who can help you, whether it be a doctor, a friend, or this forum. The people here have the same disease and the same issues as you and are willing to help. What better place to come for help?
Hi Patricia,
I think the thought of suicide is euphoric for many, but the act is horrific to most. It’s one thing to think about swallowing every pill in the house but it’s another to do it. And likely you wouldn’t just float off to sleep. Likely you’d have all kinds of horrible reactions before you died. But best not to think about it either way.
I understand what you’re saying about your dogs. I have adopted two cats and I can’t stand to think of them without me. I know I’m just a human (or as I like to say, “the tall one”) to them but somehow I feel very sad thinking of them without me and me without them. I very attached to the little furballs.
But as I always say, it’s whatever works for you. We all have our individual reasons to stay on the planet and it’s generally other people, or in some cases, other animals :)
– Natasha Tracy
I find suicide,the thought,and even the attempt calming.There is no good feeling about it,except for the fact it feels good in comparison to life.That going from so much pain that you try,to not having to deal with it anymore. It simply gives the impression of a good feeling in comparison.Yet when you fail you honestly feel even worse,if that is what you truly wanted.I know that feeling all to well,and still regret it on many occasions.I do hear stories that a lot of people truly do not want to kill themselves.
Yet hopefuly one day that will change,and life will take me when I do not wish to go.Most people would think that is a sad thought,yet I can;t think of anything I want more.
I find it calming too, euphoric too. Sometimes I need to think of it and even plan it to feel calmer, but then when I put myself in other’s shoes, when I think of those I left behind, it hurts. That’s what I felt 2 weeks ago. In the middle of my own struggles with it, a friend committed suicide.
http://nikkysstrengthandweakness-nikky44.blogspot.ca/2012/11/suicide-why.html
Thank you for this article.
It is very helpful, really.I would add one thing about “you likely aren’t going to commit suicide might be comforting to some, it sure doesn’t make feeling suicidal any more fun.” that knowing you won’t do it, makes it worse. It is frustrating and you might hate yourself even more.
All the points you have given are perfect, and worked great for me except one which is to talk to the doctor. Nothing is more painful that a doctor who doesn’t take you seriously, but I am sure they are not all the same.
Hi Nikky44,
I’m not sure if knowing that you won’t do it is worse because at least you’ll be around tomorrow to regret it (if indeed you do) and that’s an improvement over not being here at all.
And yes, I definitely know how hard it is to talk to a doctor, but it’s still important. And yes, a doctor absolutely should take you seriously.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for your reply. You are right, it is not always worse, it depends on what comes after. At some point, it made me feel more “useless”, too weak to do it, but looking at it now, it was certainly not a negative thing.
some time, way back.. you posted a scale.
i felt suicidal, not long after that, and when I went to a pdoc for help… he asked my intent?
i quoted what #, on the scale, I was more at
was not the scale he intended to hear BUT what I quoted told him what he needed to know, as far as I was concerned
there is always 3 questions, I’ve been asked : 1) have you ideas? 2) have you a plan? 3) and most importantly, have you an intent to act upon the ideas and plan?
often, I’ve got 1 and 2… sometimes all 3… it’s when you admit to all 3, you get the talk about checking yourself in OR someone comes to take you
sometimes I do not admit to 3… I just wait it out to see if I can get past that rough spot
yet, i always get quizzical looks when asked about plans and I tell, truthfully “oh sug, I always have a plan. It’s when I decide to act upon it that we need to worry, but I’ve always got a plan. In fact, I have 2 plans. You know, in case Plan A is not practical at that time.”
Sad really… to live a long life of 45 years and have wanted to die since i a wee lass due to my mind… and having plans laid out, for as equally long. Always waiting, to see if it gets better.
Hi Tabby,
Good memory.
Yup, those are generally the three questions. I think a lot of people have mused over plans and do, indeed, have plans floating around no matter what. Unfortunately, as you’ve said, that doesn’t tell the doctor much.
I can understand how horrible it is to realize that you’ve wanted to die for such a long time. The only thing I can say is to remind yourself that there are moments when you haven’t wanted to die. Maybe they were very short moments, but they have existed. And there will be more even if they are short also.
Believe me, I know where you’re coming from, but all I can hope for is moments.
– Natasha Tracy
Tabby, what I can suggest (I’ve seen 19 therapists (mostly psychiatrists but some counselors.) during my “life”. I have stayed with some of them even though I knew he/she didn’t seem particularly talented. But I was just too tired to go through the process of changing docs. Trust in your gut feeling about professionals. Leave if they are doing you no good. You can find one who is better able to handle bipolar II if you persevere. I know it is difficult to do this but try. My psychiatrist never asks me the questions you mention because he knows that more than likely I am suicidal because I have been all my life. When I found my newest and talented psychiatrist I finally stopped having the monkey on my shoulder who constantly whispered in my ear suggesting I do myself in. It took 62 years for this to happen. If I had discarded the talentless shrinks earlier and searched for a better doctor I would have lost the monkey years ago.. There are many things I regret having done in my quest for a better life.
I hope this makes sense to you. Good luck
Thank you so much for this post. As soon as I hit the part about making a list of reasons to live, tears were streaming down my face. I just made my list–crying the entire time. I never got to the point where I thought I would actually do it, but I think this will really help when I have those terrible thoughts. Thank you and thank you for having this wonderful blog.
Hi Lauren,
You’re welcome :) It’s great to hear you’ve taken the step of actually writing the last because that can be tough – as you said, with tears streaming down your face. And now that you’ve done that hard work, maybe you’ll be lucky enough to never need it, but if you do, it’s always good to know it’s there.
– Natasha Tracy
How awesome you are for acknowledgement and sharing. So often I hear about people taking their life, and I always wish they knew to just wait. The pains end and a new day begins. You just have to be patient because at the moment, it’s just a moment. It will pass.
Hi Natasha,
This is an excellent posting, and it’s so essential to write what often is NOT written about. We work with countless veteran and wounded warrior families, and the suicide rate is as high for caregivers as it is for veterans (10% vs 9%). You put it very wisely when you said that “you touch more people than you could ever know”. That is very true.
I know a very special veteran who has found peace with his PTSD, and who after being supported to NOT take his life many times, has in turn reached out to prevent the suicide of another battle buddy. He now sees and feels what those who “save” people feel, and for awhile was horrified that he had made others feel so bereft and scared. It’s hard to focus on others when you feel that there is no way out and no hope, but we affirm your statement that everyone matters, and is a gift (known or unknown) to others.
When in Doubt — Reach Out! That’s our mantra and thank you for all you do in discussing things openly and with authenticity.
Best always,
-Linda Kreter
Hi Linda,
Thanks, I’m glad you found the post useful.
You make a good point, well, two actually. First, sometimes in saving others we can help ourselves. that’s important for many to remember and is one of the ways that group therapy and support can work.
And “when in doubt – reach out.” Very true.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for this blog post. It was well timed. Bipolar sucks but today it is not going to suck the life out of me.
Hi Jen,
Great response. Happy to help.
– Natasha Tracy